January 6, 2019

Changing the way I use Facebook is proving challenging but so far so good.  Of course, it's only the 6th of January... 
Two types of post, one text but in a certain format...  and one photo with minimal description.
That's it.  One of those per day for no more than two posts per day.
So far I've made one post per day.
It's making me think more about what I want to say, I'm more likely to come here to write things out - and I'm doing that....  It's also making me pull the camera out a little more, or at least think about it.  So that's good.  If I keep it up hopefully I'll notice a huge shift in -not only my posts- but my way of thinking and dealing with things.
This is one of those steps I'm taking on my own in advance of therapy.
I'm seriously fucked up, and whatever I can do to deal better is great.

I'm unhappy in that I see...  I'm happier and everyone around me is happier when I pretend like everything is great.
When I behave the way I actually feel - which is scared and angry...  people don't help, they don't take steps to figure out why you're scared and and angry and try to help you be more comfortable...
They get mad at you.
They get mad at you  because you make them feel scared and angry...  or make it more difficult to hide their fear and anger?
Jury is still out on that.
But if we're all scared and angry why do we hide it and then get pissed off at the one person who isn't going to hide it anymore.

Tell me why we extol the virtues of empathy while simultaneously talking about how awesome we are for not giving any fucks.  Behold my field of fucks, for it is barren...  I just.

We are so fucking human.

To get along in the world I have to be inauthentic.
But we're all to be true to ourselves and let our authentic selves shine through...  unless that self possesses traits that the other people in your life don't like...  such as a desire to be alone, an overall dissatisfaction in the state of the world, lacking in the ability to hold one's tongue regarding selfishness and stupidity (which is fucking RAMPANT by the way and if you don't see it I guarantee you're part of the problem so please open your eyes, check yourself and strive every day to be selfless and - if not intelligent at least less stupid).

So the "Whatever" movement of going along to go along and making other people happy is simply the way it has to be because if we're all playing the game we're all happy but inside we're all dieing except for those few people who are allowed for some reason to let their selfishness be their dominant personality trait.

I don't know.  I could go on but I'm high and the ramble will get too strong with this one.
Good topic though.