Uber productive yesterday, but even further behind on my reading. When all I wanted to do was sit down and play a stupid game while consuming an entire box of crackers... I sat down and watched my team lose, and worked on a craft project I desperately need to finish. I made actual, real progress. I slept well, I woke up well, my kid was a subtle shit and I called him on it... I called him on the whole "Not doing chores" as well, informing him that he earned no allowance last week because he didn't do shit.
If you don't work you don't get paid. Fact of life.
He's at daycare, we parted on a good note and I'm smoking a joint before work.
Responsible adult.
Speaking of work...
Lets just not.
Plans for the day consist of not sinking any deeper into this morass than I already have.
I spend four days at work getting more and more depressed with each moment that I'm there. The evenings I can at least peek my head above the swamp and relax... but then I wake up in the morning and the realization that I have to go to that place just drags me down. Being there weighs me down. Leaving there and I start to lighten up but I'm not able to pull myself completely out of it before I'm waking up the next morning starting the whole cycle over again. The weekends-three days though they may be-are not long enough to fully pull myself out of the slump. I know the solution is to find a new job and that is on the huge and incredibly long list of shit to do... but it's there, and it will happen. In the meantime I have all these responsibilities around the house and all these things that need to be done, that should be done, that have been half done for so long that actually finishing them may signify the end times... and that weighs on me... I need to quit my job and take a month off work... but then there's no guarantee that I'll find something in a timely fashion... and there's no guarantee that I won't have to spend the bulk of my time off looking for something. Then I think about cutting my hours, and then I think about how hard it is to stretch that paycheck as it is... and then I think about all the ways I waste money and how I could improve and then I get depressed and I overspend with "retail therapy" because that makes me feel better for a minute.
I know what I need to do.
I need to resist the dragon and not spend my money on frivolous crap because it makes me feel better. I need to use that money to buy the things I need in order to do the things I need to do. I need to work on the things that need to be done, because there is plenty that can be done without spending any money and I can let money build up.
I need to quit smoking cigarettes because I spend a fucking fortune on those. If I quit smoking I'll have more money for groceries, if I have more money for groceries I'll be happier all the way around. This is all easier said than done.
I'm a creature of habit - aren't we all? The normalcy of my schedule is constantly being fucked with due to vacations and this "something happening every month from February through June" is really starting to get on my nerves. I'm barely recovered from Disneyland when the spouse is absent for 2 weeks, now I'm starting to get back into the swing of things and next week we're leaving for 5 days... again. I'll barely recover from that before the convention starts and I'm driving all over the place, late nights, barely home, etc... etc... and less than two weeks later I'll be on a damn plane to the other side of the country.
Once we return from that nonsense it will be the height of summer. The house will be an oven and the in-laws will be in town demanding my time and criticizing my life.
I find myself already longing for fall... which is something that usually doesn't happen until July. I want all the trips behind me, the inlaws in Arizona where they belong and a steady schedule of spawn in school, everyone at work. I want the spousal unit's insomnia issues cleared up so that he's up and out of the fucking house earlier every morning so I can maximize my time.
My dreams for August.
In the meantime, I want to call in sick to work and spend the day puttering around in the yard... but it's fucking raining, and it's going to rain all day. So I guess I'll go to work... although it's probably going to be dead, and even though this means I can catch up on my reading it also means that I will be pissed due to the fact that I'm there when I have things I could be doing here at home...
Like sitting around playing stupid video games and eating that box of crackers...
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
overwhelming and depressive circle...
Got a lot of work done in the yard a couple of days ago. Despite wanting to do more yesterday I decided to spend the day cleaning the house instead... it needed to get done and I figured I'd get back outside today... But there is water coming from the sky. In my defense I checked the weather about four days ago before making plans for my weekend. It was not supposed to rain today when I last checked... but the fact is... I'm going to have to be more diligent in checking the weather on my days off over the next couple of months. Fucked up California "spring" means I could be outside sweating in the sun on Monday and wind up sequestered indoors with a hoody and fluffy blankets on Tuesday.
To be perfectly honest with you this gives me the opportunity to get to work on other things that desperately need to get done. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that I need to accomplish... to the point where I want to cut my hours and have an extra day every week to deal with them. I feel that without that extra day there's no point working on anything... even the things I could easily finish over the course of a couple of baseball games, or a solid afternoon of focusing on them.
I literally have a "craft list" of things that need to get taken care of... projects I began before my son was born that only need a good 8-12 hours of work put into them.... mind you... the spawn is ten. Half done things, things saved with intention... things I've saved for when I get to a certain point in the house I can use them... and yet I've done nothing.
Part of it is not knowing where to start, but I have a lists. But then I think about the first thing and how nice it will be to cross that off the list, but the list is so long it overwhelms me and I just sit down and play Animal Crossing. Or I realize that although this is the perfect time to get to work on something... I'm so far behind on my reading I should just sit and do that for an hour. Or I lay down on the couch and pass out.... or I get lost in Facebook for a few hours... or I get high and get caught up in the daily minutia. Even when all the things that need to be done on the daily to keep this family and our lives rolling forward are finished for the day I don't sit down and focus on something. I don't roll out the poster I've been coloring for 20 years, I don't pick up the needlepoint I've been working on for 2 years, I just play Animal Crossing or go to bed early to avoid it all... When I have a day... like today... where nothing is planned or the plans fall through... and I'm sitting here wasting my time and wanting to talk about how overwhelmed I am and how frustrated and depressed I am and all I'm really doing is wasting time so that when I finally do get up and get the chores done, and get the errands run... I won't have the time to sit down and do anything productive, or actually cross anything off the list...
I'll postpone and postpone and get more and more depressed about it. I'll make myself momentarily content by taking an entire day to break down a room and scrub it from floor to ceiling but then nothing is actually taken care of, completed... it's just moved, re-packaged, added to a different list...
So I spend all this time beating myself up about all this undone shit. Every opportunity I have to do even a small thing to check off a list or get myself closer to being willing to tackle the bigger stuff... and I don't do it. I fuck around. I go have a cigarette, I stare at a wall, I bug the shit out of my family, I kill time...
I know that if I just do the things I'll feel better.
I'll feel better if I do the things.
It's that fucking simple.
But I've even sat down to do the things, had the things arranged and was ready to go and then I just picked up the 3ds and pushed the things to the side, or got distracted by the dirty dishes, or the need to clean out the fridge, or watched a video with the spawn, or whatever and then... there was no more time to do the thing so I put the thing away.
I know I'm not the only person who does this.
I know I'm behind on my reading, but during the baseball game this afternoon I'm determined to work on one of the things... if I focus I might even finish it... which would be amazeballs.
To be perfectly honest with you this gives me the opportunity to get to work on other things that desperately need to get done. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that I need to accomplish... to the point where I want to cut my hours and have an extra day every week to deal with them. I feel that without that extra day there's no point working on anything... even the things I could easily finish over the course of a couple of baseball games, or a solid afternoon of focusing on them.
I literally have a "craft list" of things that need to get taken care of... projects I began before my son was born that only need a good 8-12 hours of work put into them.... mind you... the spawn is ten. Half done things, things saved with intention... things I've saved for when I get to a certain point in the house I can use them... and yet I've done nothing.
Part of it is not knowing where to start, but I have a lists. But then I think about the first thing and how nice it will be to cross that off the list, but the list is so long it overwhelms me and I just sit down and play Animal Crossing. Or I realize that although this is the perfect time to get to work on something... I'm so far behind on my reading I should just sit and do that for an hour. Or I lay down on the couch and pass out.... or I get lost in Facebook for a few hours... or I get high and get caught up in the daily minutia. Even when all the things that need to be done on the daily to keep this family and our lives rolling forward are finished for the day I don't sit down and focus on something. I don't roll out the poster I've been coloring for 20 years, I don't pick up the needlepoint I've been working on for 2 years, I just play Animal Crossing or go to bed early to avoid it all... When I have a day... like today... where nothing is planned or the plans fall through... and I'm sitting here wasting my time and wanting to talk about how overwhelmed I am and how frustrated and depressed I am and all I'm really doing is wasting time so that when I finally do get up and get the chores done, and get the errands run... I won't have the time to sit down and do anything productive, or actually cross anything off the list...
I'll postpone and postpone and get more and more depressed about it. I'll make myself momentarily content by taking an entire day to break down a room and scrub it from floor to ceiling but then nothing is actually taken care of, completed... it's just moved, re-packaged, added to a different list...
So I spend all this time beating myself up about all this undone shit. Every opportunity I have to do even a small thing to check off a list or get myself closer to being willing to tackle the bigger stuff... and I don't do it. I fuck around. I go have a cigarette, I stare at a wall, I bug the shit out of my family, I kill time...
I know that if I just do the things I'll feel better.
I'll feel better if I do the things.
It's that fucking simple.
But I've even sat down to do the things, had the things arranged and was ready to go and then I just picked up the 3ds and pushed the things to the side, or got distracted by the dirty dishes, or the need to clean out the fridge, or watched a video with the spawn, or whatever and then... there was no more time to do the thing so I put the thing away.
I know I'm not the only person who does this.
I know I'm behind on my reading, but during the baseball game this afternoon I'm determined to work on one of the things... if I focus I might even finish it... which would be amazeballs.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
too much i can't keep up when i'm depressed
Depression is great. When it's caused by your job it's even better.
Put May on the wall calendar... Starting to stress out about the fact that I have nothing to wear to this wedding we're going to and we leave in two weeks.
But nobody will leave me the fuck alone about the trip in June.
I still have to contact the pet sitter for our trip this month. Which is April.
If the yard is mentioned to me one more time I'm going to cry. I don't know how many times I can make my plans and opinions known to someone who hasn't lifted a finger save to call the gardeners... I'm also getting incredibly frustrated with this constant bringing up of things I've told him are on my list. I can't do all the things at once, and I can't do things when he gets the random bug up his ass... I've told him I have other, smaller, things that I want to take care of before I tackle a big project. I've also informed him that I'm not in any hurry. After a year he's suddenly in a huge rush to get things done... well... maybe he should focus on his garage/man cave then, because whatever he does out there won't piss me off or get in my way... furthermore... he has so much going on right now and hasn't even done the taxes so the fact that he's flipping out about the yard right now is getting on my nerves. If he starts something at this point in time - it will remain unfinished until I deal with it or after Memorial Day. He is booked pretty solid until then and even once Memorial Day is passed we have this damn trip in June. July his parents will be here eating up our free time while criticizing our lives and I know that part of him feels he has to have visible progress on things in order to keep them quiet, shut them up, make them happy... I don't fucking care. Thing is, we'll need to spend a Sunday painting or doing yardwork and they'll have a problem with it because they'll want to see us and spend time with us but they'll also freely, cruely, excessively criticize the weeds we're cultivating in the backyard.
I need to step up the search for a new job by getting my cover letter polished and sending out a few resumes. If I half-assedly look for a job over the next month or so I can feel like I'm actually doing something, instead of waiting for the new job to come to me... because although that has happened, it's not a very good way to deal with the current situation.
I am lazy.
Once the April trip is over I can step it up but... if I'm not gainfully re-employed by Memorial Day I may have to quit anyway. I'm killing myself and have too much sense of responsibility to quit when I need the money... so I can get things done around the house... so my husband will back the fuck off... it's so frustrating to know that I'm the only one who has done anything for a year, and then we hit that magic mark and he suddenly cares, gets obsessive and starts doing things... at least he's finally doing things, but why can't he take the project and finish it before he flips out and moves on to something else... that's what I'll tell him to do when he finishes the taxes... that he hasn't started and are due in 9 days...
Don't worry about anything else until you've patched all the spots the electrician cut out the drywall. I'm tired of looking at these squares and screws. Get to work.
Put May on the wall calendar... Starting to stress out about the fact that I have nothing to wear to this wedding we're going to and we leave in two weeks.
But nobody will leave me the fuck alone about the trip in June.
I still have to contact the pet sitter for our trip this month. Which is April.
If the yard is mentioned to me one more time I'm going to cry. I don't know how many times I can make my plans and opinions known to someone who hasn't lifted a finger save to call the gardeners... I'm also getting incredibly frustrated with this constant bringing up of things I've told him are on my list. I can't do all the things at once, and I can't do things when he gets the random bug up his ass... I've told him I have other, smaller, things that I want to take care of before I tackle a big project. I've also informed him that I'm not in any hurry. After a year he's suddenly in a huge rush to get things done... well... maybe he should focus on his garage/man cave then, because whatever he does out there won't piss me off or get in my way... furthermore... he has so much going on right now and hasn't even done the taxes so the fact that he's flipping out about the yard right now is getting on my nerves. If he starts something at this point in time - it will remain unfinished until I deal with it or after Memorial Day. He is booked pretty solid until then and even once Memorial Day is passed we have this damn trip in June. July his parents will be here eating up our free time while criticizing our lives and I know that part of him feels he has to have visible progress on things in order to keep them quiet, shut them up, make them happy... I don't fucking care. Thing is, we'll need to spend a Sunday painting or doing yardwork and they'll have a problem with it because they'll want to see us and spend time with us but they'll also freely, cruely, excessively criticize the weeds we're cultivating in the backyard.
I need to step up the search for a new job by getting my cover letter polished and sending out a few resumes. If I half-assedly look for a job over the next month or so I can feel like I'm actually doing something, instead of waiting for the new job to come to me... because although that has happened, it's not a very good way to deal with the current situation.
I am lazy.
Once the April trip is over I can step it up but... if I'm not gainfully re-employed by Memorial Day I may have to quit anyway. I'm killing myself and have too much sense of responsibility to quit when I need the money... so I can get things done around the house... so my husband will back the fuck off... it's so frustrating to know that I'm the only one who has done anything for a year, and then we hit that magic mark and he suddenly cares, gets obsessive and starts doing things... at least he's finally doing things, but why can't he take the project and finish it before he flips out and moves on to something else... that's what I'll tell him to do when he finishes the taxes... that he hasn't started and are due in 9 days...
Don't worry about anything else until you've patched all the spots the electrician cut out the drywall. I'm tired of looking at these squares and screws. Get to work.
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