I am astonishingly tired. Twelve hours passed from when I pulled out of my driveway to when I pulled back into it.
Although the day at work was not busy the slow days are often the more exhausting ones.
We made less than six hundred dollars... on one appointment.
It's difficult to complain when I spend the bulk of my nine hour shift reading or hanging out with the cat who lives at the clinic... who I would love to refer to as the "hospital cat" but she's technically a boarder so... yeah.
I have been working on pillows and have two complete, stuffed and on the couch... one is sewn just needs to be washed before I stuff it.
I've had the t-shirts I'm turning into pillows stuck in a box or bag for years... saving them for just this purpose.
There's a surprising number of shirts but some of them have deep enough sentimental value to my husband that I'll refrain from turning them into pillows... yet. Let him get accustomed to the concept before his treasured Crow shirt that he finally retired about four or five years ago is re-incarnated as a pillow. He thinks it became rags and is gone forever. He has no idea I saved it. There's another in there that used to be his that he thinks is gone forever... so I'll hold off on cutting those up for the time being. I'll have more pillows than I'll need so I'll only stuff a few and keep the rest for when the ones that are out need a wash, get given to friends who fall in love with them or just die.
Astonishingly tired.
Came home and was just done.
Like... screw the dishes and the things I have remaining on my dailies.
I'm fucking beat.
I may sit here and make a bracelet rather than do the fine work required to hand sew a pillow.
Too tired...
But I really want to finish season two of Daredevil and I'm so close... so close...
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
January 15, 2019
Today is the day to clean the house for the first time since before Christmas.
I mean, I've kept up with things and cleaned a room or whatnot here and there but...
Today I'm going to actually clean the house.
Of course the spousal unit is having car issues and left his vehicle at the shop yesterday... he was home all day and honestly his presence - even when he works in the garage - is enough to throw me off my groove.
But hopefully I'll be able to just do what I need to do today without too much issue with my groove.
The spousal unit's best friend is in town from out of state and will be for the week. Tonight we're all going out to dinner and then there will probably be gaming or clubbing or something happening so I anticipate some time to watch my shows and work on my pillows.
Working on pillows is actually quite soothing and there is a lot to be said for getting the bag of sewing projects empty enough to tie closed.
not there yet... but hopefully soon... Of course, it will be even nicer when the four bags become one... and best of the best when the four become none.
But that takes time and while this week's focus has been on pillows next week I plan to take the time to finish the embroidery project I started in 2006.
But today.
Today I am going to clean my house.
I mean, I've kept up with things and cleaned a room or whatnot here and there but...
Today I'm going to actually clean the house.
Of course the spousal unit is having car issues and left his vehicle at the shop yesterday... he was home all day and honestly his presence - even when he works in the garage - is enough to throw me off my groove.
But hopefully I'll be able to just do what I need to do today without too much issue with my groove.
The spousal unit's best friend is in town from out of state and will be for the week. Tonight we're all going out to dinner and then there will probably be gaming or clubbing or something happening so I anticipate some time to watch my shows and work on my pillows.
Working on pillows is actually quite soothing and there is a lot to be said for getting the bag of sewing projects empty enough to tie closed.
not there yet... but hopefully soon... Of course, it will be even nicer when the four bags become one... and best of the best when the four become none.
But that takes time and while this week's focus has been on pillows next week I plan to take the time to finish the embroidery project I started in 2006.
But today.
Today I am going to clean my house.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
January 10, 2019
I feel like I should have more stuff to do. As though there is no way I could be done with everything. It's five after eleven and I've been up since a quarter after five... I worked for over nine hours and I'm pretty tired. The only things left on my to-do list are to brush the cats.
I hate brushing the cats.
I can't hang the curtains because the boy is in bed and I can't make noise.
It's too late to soak in the tub and finally use the bath bomb I've had for almost a year.
I need to be sober to deal with gathering up and photocopying all the papers I need for the passport applications and that's best done Sunday when the spousal unit and I are both home so I can make him get what I need but have been waiting for for the last month and a half...
So I'm literally down to brushing the cats and I am procrastinating hard.
I could sit down with the boy's chore list and re-vamp it but that's a good half hour or forty-five minutes of work that I'd rather not do right now...
Six new C.D.'s today. Some new to me and some stuff I had back in the day... such as Cyndi Lauper. Yes. This is fabulous.
The spousal unit has no idea about five of them. Christmas money. I spent $80 and put put $100 on the credit card. Fairness. Now I'm down to the cash in my purse and I'm hoarding that. Waiting for the right time to run the errands to take care of the lists attached to that wad of cash. I can't be in a hurry about any of it. Eventually I plan to have a bunch of shit in my trunk that I bought... bringing in one or two things every couple of weeks and acting like I bought it at my most recent trip to Target or not mention it... like the apple corer. By the time he notices that I bought a new one I'll be able to convincingly forget when I bought it.
I've spent a lot of money, he knows it, and I'm going to buy a couple of cat trees in the near future.
As for lunch time errands I have to go get my watch battery and a hair cut.
That's two lunches so next Friday, a week from tomorrow, I can probably take the time to go cat tree shopping.
I have to sit down and lay out the next six weeks soon.
I have this trip down south and I gotta figure my shit out... and pay my fucking cat sitter from that wad of cash in the purse. Damnit.
I hate brushing the cats.
I can't hang the curtains because the boy is in bed and I can't make noise.
It's too late to soak in the tub and finally use the bath bomb I've had for almost a year.
I need to be sober to deal with gathering up and photocopying all the papers I need for the passport applications and that's best done Sunday when the spousal unit and I are both home so I can make him get what I need but have been waiting for for the last month and a half...
So I'm literally down to brushing the cats and I am procrastinating hard.
I could sit down with the boy's chore list and re-vamp it but that's a good half hour or forty-five minutes of work that I'd rather not do right now...
Six new C.D.'s today. Some new to me and some stuff I had back in the day... such as Cyndi Lauper. Yes. This is fabulous.
The spousal unit has no idea about five of them. Christmas money. I spent $80 and put put $100 on the credit card. Fairness. Now I'm down to the cash in my purse and I'm hoarding that. Waiting for the right time to run the errands to take care of the lists attached to that wad of cash. I can't be in a hurry about any of it. Eventually I plan to have a bunch of shit in my trunk that I bought... bringing in one or two things every couple of weeks and acting like I bought it at my most recent trip to Target or not mention it... like the apple corer. By the time he notices that I bought a new one I'll be able to convincingly forget when I bought it.
I've spent a lot of money, he knows it, and I'm going to buy a couple of cat trees in the near future.
As for lunch time errands I have to go get my watch battery and a hair cut.
That's two lunches so next Friday, a week from tomorrow, I can probably take the time to go cat tree shopping.
I have to sit down and lay out the next six weeks soon.
I have this trip down south and I gotta figure my shit out... and pay my fucking cat sitter from that wad of cash in the purse. Damnit.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
January 8, 2019
I have this blind determination to be super productive without going on and on about my levels of productivity or even showing what I've accomplished that day. I want my husband to just intuitively understand that things are better when I'm home more.
I'll be honest. I have that dread of going to work tomorrow even though I know I get to take a walk downtown and clean the bathroom.
Today I cleaned the top shelf in my closet, re-organized it, left the rest of the closet a mess. Cast a single candle - leaving the rest of the candle stuff in semi-disarray, and stuck to my schedule.
Every day that I've had off some big change has happened. Sunday I took down the Christmas decorations, Monday I re-did the cat-boxes and today I re-arranged the living room to it's regular configuration now that the holidays are over.
I have plans and things scheduled. I have Christmas money still burning a hole in my purse but I'm determined to leave things that I purchase in the trunk of the car, bringing them in one or two items at a time every week or two so my husband doesn't freak out about me spending a lot of money when I'm not working as much and he knows I have a balance on my credit card.
The dread of going to work tomorrow is being tempered by the knowledge that I don't.
Not only do I not have to but when I do go to work I get to spend two days in a slower paced environment and a third to a half of my shift will be down time that I can spend cleaning, working on my loom bracelets and reading.
My to-do list is almost taken care of and if I play my cards right I can go to work on Thursday with a clean slate.
That will be an incredibly good feeling.
Here's hoping tomorrow is as productive as I hope it to be... and who knows... I may stay up all night hemming this curtain so I can hang it in the kitchen and get rid of those fucking miniblinds.
I'll be honest. I have that dread of going to work tomorrow even though I know I get to take a walk downtown and clean the bathroom.
Today I cleaned the top shelf in my closet, re-organized it, left the rest of the closet a mess. Cast a single candle - leaving the rest of the candle stuff in semi-disarray, and stuck to my schedule.
Every day that I've had off some big change has happened. Sunday I took down the Christmas decorations, Monday I re-did the cat-boxes and today I re-arranged the living room to it's regular configuration now that the holidays are over.
I have plans and things scheduled. I have Christmas money still burning a hole in my purse but I'm determined to leave things that I purchase in the trunk of the car, bringing them in one or two items at a time every week or two so my husband doesn't freak out about me spending a lot of money when I'm not working as much and he knows I have a balance on my credit card.
The dread of going to work tomorrow is being tempered by the knowledge that I don't.
Not only do I not have to but when I do go to work I get to spend two days in a slower paced environment and a third to a half of my shift will be down time that I can spend cleaning, working on my loom bracelets and reading.
My to-do list is almost taken care of and if I play my cards right I can go to work on Thursday with a clean slate.
That will be an incredibly good feeling.
Here's hoping tomorrow is as productive as I hope it to be... and who knows... I may stay up all night hemming this curtain so I can hang it in the kitchen and get rid of those fucking miniblinds.
Monday, January 7, 2019
January 7, 2019
One more time about how the government shutdown isn't a shutdown please. I misunderstood. I thought these people were getting paid and the park services folks were just taking some time off... etc... etc...
Also. I'd like another person, over 30, in a mid-west state who has seen enough people of color in the course of their life to cover the first string of a basketball team and hope for no injuries... to tell me how badly we need the wall.
Then I want someone to tell me how this wall is gonna work.
Then I want someone to tell me how all the other places that 5 billion could go to are somehow less
important than this wall.
When you're done with all that I'll tell you why the wall is useless, a complete and utter waste of money, and then I'll explain to you what a "government shutdown" means... at this point I'll end on a high note and tell you all the positive and constructive ways the "wall money" can be used to better our society and improve the quality of life of the American people.
When I am done with that and I've removed the gag from your mouth I'll let you rail at me about what an idiot I am.
While you're foaming at the mouth in rage I'll calmly print all the articles and journals that I referred to in my carefully thought out response to your argument.
I'll put together a packet for you and provide for you the contact information of a few personal friends of mine who live, or have lived, in countries other than America so they can chat with you about the pros and cons of each - things they like and dislike about living in a foreign country and what they think would be good for America vs. what America is doing that another country could benefit from adopting.
I will encourage you to put together a similar packet for me providing me with more information to support your argument. This way we can both take our time sifting through the evidence and come to our own conclusions. When we are done I propose we speak again and determine how our views have changed.
Alternatively you can post something inflammatory on Facebook.
I can call you out and tell you that I disagree with you, then share evidence with you dictating why I disagree with you.
You can get mad at me.
You can call me an idiot and make a derogatory comment about Obama or Clinton.
I can post one more time the same point I previously made and share more evidence and point out that your comment reflects your unwillingness to read my comment.
You can get mad at me.
You can call me an idiot and make a derogatory comment about Obama or Clinton.
I can come back and tell you I'm done.
Walk away from it and forget about it.
Snooze your ass or unfollow you.
Unfriend you if it's a common thing and I'm sick of it.
Then you can tell everyone you won because I walked away.
The fact is. The lies and inaccuracies keep pouring in and nobody is doing the research they're just grabbing headlines. I won't discuss so many things because I feel I don't grasp them as well as I should to argue a point. The fact that I'm often called stupid or a sheep or any number of things when I take the time to put together a well thought out argument? That will make me not want to discus anything. Do it enough and nobody will talk to you. Then you think you won?
No you lost. You lost big. You lost so big you don't even know it. People don't like you, they don't talk to you and they certainly don't agree with you. This is where it gets scary because then you go and find other people who think like you do, who refuse to acknowledge other perspectives, and then you feed off each other and grow and become dangerous.
Yeah it's fucking political.
It's all political right now.
You're either a liberal or a conservative and if you're liberal you're democrat and if you're conservative you're republican and there is no gray area. You can say you're neither all you want but you either support 45 or you don't and if you do you're a conservative republican period. PERIOD. End of story. There is no black and white the world is made up of shades of grey but right now. Right here. 2019 America there is ONLY black and white and it's fucking frightening.
Also. I'd like another person, over 30, in a mid-west state who has seen enough people of color in the course of their life to cover the first string of a basketball team and hope for no injuries... to tell me how badly we need the wall.
Then I want someone to tell me how this wall is gonna work.
Then I want someone to tell me how all the other places that 5 billion could go to are somehow less
important than this wall.
When you're done with all that I'll tell you why the wall is useless, a complete and utter waste of money, and then I'll explain to you what a "government shutdown" means... at this point I'll end on a high note and tell you all the positive and constructive ways the "wall money" can be used to better our society and improve the quality of life of the American people.
When I am done with that and I've removed the gag from your mouth I'll let you rail at me about what an idiot I am.
While you're foaming at the mouth in rage I'll calmly print all the articles and journals that I referred to in my carefully thought out response to your argument.
I'll put together a packet for you and provide for you the contact information of a few personal friends of mine who live, or have lived, in countries other than America so they can chat with you about the pros and cons of each - things they like and dislike about living in a foreign country and what they think would be good for America vs. what America is doing that another country could benefit from adopting.
I will encourage you to put together a similar packet for me providing me with more information to support your argument. This way we can both take our time sifting through the evidence and come to our own conclusions. When we are done I propose we speak again and determine how our views have changed.
Alternatively you can post something inflammatory on Facebook.
I can call you out and tell you that I disagree with you, then share evidence with you dictating why I disagree with you.
You can get mad at me.
You can call me an idiot and make a derogatory comment about Obama or Clinton.
I can post one more time the same point I previously made and share more evidence and point out that your comment reflects your unwillingness to read my comment.
You can get mad at me.
You can call me an idiot and make a derogatory comment about Obama or Clinton.
I can come back and tell you I'm done.
Walk away from it and forget about it.
Snooze your ass or unfollow you.
Unfriend you if it's a common thing and I'm sick of it.
Then you can tell everyone you won because I walked away.
The fact is. The lies and inaccuracies keep pouring in and nobody is doing the research they're just grabbing headlines. I won't discuss so many things because I feel I don't grasp them as well as I should to argue a point. The fact that I'm often called stupid or a sheep or any number of things when I take the time to put together a well thought out argument? That will make me not want to discus anything. Do it enough and nobody will talk to you. Then you think you won?
No you lost. You lost big. You lost so big you don't even know it. People don't like you, they don't talk to you and they certainly don't agree with you. This is where it gets scary because then you go and find other people who think like you do, who refuse to acknowledge other perspectives, and then you feed off each other and grow and become dangerous.
Yeah it's fucking political.
It's all political right now.
You're either a liberal or a conservative and if you're liberal you're democrat and if you're conservative you're republican and there is no gray area. You can say you're neither all you want but you either support 45 or you don't and if you do you're a conservative republican period. PERIOD. End of story. There is no black and white the world is made up of shades of grey but right now. Right here. 2019 America there is ONLY black and white and it's fucking frightening.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
January 6, 2019
Changing the way I use Facebook is proving challenging but so far so good. Of course, it's only the 6th of January...
Two types of post, one text but in a certain format... and one photo with minimal description.
That's it. One of those per day for no more than two posts per day.
So far I've made one post per day.
It's making me think more about what I want to say, I'm more likely to come here to write things out - and I'm doing that.... It's also making me pull the camera out a little more, or at least think about it. So that's good. If I keep it up hopefully I'll notice a huge shift in -not only my posts- but my way of thinking and dealing with things.
This is one of those steps I'm taking on my own in advance of therapy.
I'm seriously fucked up, and whatever I can do to deal better is great.
I'm unhappy in that I see... I'm happier and everyone around me is happier when I pretend like everything is great.
When I behave the way I actually feel - which is scared and angry... people don't help, they don't take steps to figure out why you're scared and and angry and try to help you be more comfortable...
They get mad at you.
They get mad at you because you make them feel scared and angry... or make it more difficult to hide their fear and anger?
Jury is still out on that.
But if we're all scared and angry why do we hide it and then get pissed off at the one person who isn't going to hide it anymore.
Tell me why we extol the virtues of empathy while simultaneously talking about how awesome we are for not giving any fucks. Behold my field of fucks, for it is barren... I just.
We are so fucking human.
To get along in the world I have to be inauthentic.
But we're all to be true to ourselves and let our authentic selves shine through... unless that self possesses traits that the other people in your life don't like... such as a desire to be alone, an overall dissatisfaction in the state of the world, lacking in the ability to hold one's tongue regarding selfishness and stupidity (which is fucking RAMPANT by the way and if you don't see it I guarantee you're part of the problem so please open your eyes, check yourself and strive every day to be selfless and - if not intelligent at least less stupid).
So the "Whatever" movement of going along to go along and making other people happy is simply the way it has to be because if we're all playing the game we're all happy but inside we're all dieing except for those few people who are allowed for some reason to let their selfishness be their dominant personality trait.
I don't know. I could go on but I'm high and the ramble will get too strong with this one.
Good topic though.
Two types of post, one text but in a certain format... and one photo with minimal description.
That's it. One of those per day for no more than two posts per day.
So far I've made one post per day.
It's making me think more about what I want to say, I'm more likely to come here to write things out - and I'm doing that.... It's also making me pull the camera out a little more, or at least think about it. So that's good. If I keep it up hopefully I'll notice a huge shift in -not only my posts- but my way of thinking and dealing with things.
This is one of those steps I'm taking on my own in advance of therapy.
I'm seriously fucked up, and whatever I can do to deal better is great.
I'm unhappy in that I see... I'm happier and everyone around me is happier when I pretend like everything is great.
When I behave the way I actually feel - which is scared and angry... people don't help, they don't take steps to figure out why you're scared and and angry and try to help you be more comfortable...
They get mad at you.
They get mad at you because you make them feel scared and angry... or make it more difficult to hide their fear and anger?
Jury is still out on that.
But if we're all scared and angry why do we hide it and then get pissed off at the one person who isn't going to hide it anymore.
Tell me why we extol the virtues of empathy while simultaneously talking about how awesome we are for not giving any fucks. Behold my field of fucks, for it is barren... I just.
We are so fucking human.
To get along in the world I have to be inauthentic.
But we're all to be true to ourselves and let our authentic selves shine through... unless that self possesses traits that the other people in your life don't like... such as a desire to be alone, an overall dissatisfaction in the state of the world, lacking in the ability to hold one's tongue regarding selfishness and stupidity (which is fucking RAMPANT by the way and if you don't see it I guarantee you're part of the problem so please open your eyes, check yourself and strive every day to be selfless and - if not intelligent at least less stupid).
So the "Whatever" movement of going along to go along and making other people happy is simply the way it has to be because if we're all playing the game we're all happy but inside we're all dieing except for those few people who are allowed for some reason to let their selfishness be their dominant personality trait.
I don't know. I could go on but I'm high and the ramble will get too strong with this one.
Good topic though.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
January 5, 2019
Welcome busy day at the main clinic. It was nice. I think being there one day a week will be good. I can do the fast paced shit and have a good day and come home in a good mood. Until my phone blows up in Target. Give me time to get home people! I had to run a couple of errands as I'm in the mindset of "Get the things done" and have no desire to fuck around. I have to milk this. I have to take advantage of it while it lasts.
Of course with Cat #7 on my lap right now it's impossible to pay attention to anything outside the realm of what I can reach. Which is the computer... and the joints... but I'm good. So I'm here.
Not sure where I am today overall. Kind of blah. I was so upset over the spousal unit's apparent lack of concern at the way I was feeling when he came home and immediately got on our son's case.
I wish I could say it was new, but it seems that whenever he has a bad day he comes home and is a total dick to us.
I stressed out a little bit about money today.
Then I remembered something I read yesterday, something a friend posted in response to another friend's post regarding her recent over-spending on herself - which she rarely does.
He told her that money usually works itself out.
So I bought the $22 basket.
I have to go to the grocery store tomorrow instead of on Monday - which is my usual day. I'm wondering if the folks at the store are worried about me. I hope I see enough of them tomorrow that they can dispel any rumors that I seriously doubt are circling regarding my whereabouts.
But it makes me feel good to think that someone notices my absence for the sheer absence of my sparkling personality rather than how well I can clean/fix something or what I can do for them to make their life easier.
I hate to say it.
But I'm gonna.
I'm sure a lot of women feel this way and that - is bullshit.
It is nice to feel valued, and I've actually felt that way at work.
I think because I had a big say in the schedule that is seeming to make everyone quite happy.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm fucking hallucinating and it really is the power of positive thinking.
If that's the case I'm still torn on the whole concept of distorting reality and I'll never be anything but skeptical of anyone's motives despite my outer contentment if not outright joy.
So yeah. The cat is off my lap and doing his nightly "Whine While I Shit" so it's about to get stinky in here so I'm going to opt for the lesser of two evils and go do the dishes.
Of course with Cat #7 on my lap right now it's impossible to pay attention to anything outside the realm of what I can reach. Which is the computer... and the joints... but I'm good. So I'm here.
Not sure where I am today overall. Kind of blah. I was so upset over the spousal unit's apparent lack of concern at the way I was feeling when he came home and immediately got on our son's case.
I wish I could say it was new, but it seems that whenever he has a bad day he comes home and is a total dick to us.
I stressed out a little bit about money today.
Then I remembered something I read yesterday, something a friend posted in response to another friend's post regarding her recent over-spending on herself - which she rarely does.
He told her that money usually works itself out.
So I bought the $22 basket.
I have to go to the grocery store tomorrow instead of on Monday - which is my usual day. I'm wondering if the folks at the store are worried about me. I hope I see enough of them tomorrow that they can dispel any rumors that I seriously doubt are circling regarding my whereabouts.
But it makes me feel good to think that someone notices my absence for the sheer absence of my sparkling personality rather than how well I can clean/fix something or what I can do for them to make their life easier.
I hate to say it.
But I'm gonna.
I'm sure a lot of women feel this way and that - is bullshit.
It is nice to feel valued, and I've actually felt that way at work.
I think because I had a big say in the schedule that is seeming to make everyone quite happy.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm fucking hallucinating and it really is the power of positive thinking.
If that's the case I'm still torn on the whole concept of distorting reality and I'll never be anything but skeptical of anyone's motives despite my outer contentment if not outright joy.
So yeah. The cat is off my lap and doing his nightly "Whine While I Shit" so it's about to get stinky in here so I'm going to opt for the lesser of two evils and go do the dishes.
Friday, January 4, 2019
January 4, 2019
I had today off work and the boy had the day off school. We stayed home today, didn't leave the house at all. I popped around and got some stuff done, read, watched my show... he played games, watched videos, played with his cat and overall we both had a very good day just hanging out at home in each other's company. Not interacting, just being together.
My husband no sooner came home than he asked the boy if he'd gone outside today. When he heard "No." he proceeded to give the boy a hard time for it.
Of course, the spouse and the boy were home all day yesterday and the spouse didn't take the boy outside yesterday...
Although he'll say it's not my fault or even my responsibility to get the boy outside he knows damn well that our son has never been the type of kid to go outside and play without friends coming and asking him, or an adult taking him outside and to the park, on a bike ride or on a walk.
So I tried to tell my husband that when he comes home acting like the boy not going outside all day is a bad thing... it makes me feel bad.
But he straight said that wasn't his concern, got super defensive and I had to immediately apologize and backpedal and blow it off like it was nothing claiming that I was having a hard time expressing myself adequately and he wasn't understanding and to please never mind and forget about it I would address it another time if I found a way to articulate myself better.
But I don't think I needed to do that.
I think my husband should have stopped, not gotten defensive and immediately understood that I was trying to approach it positively and tell him how it made me feel.
Instead.... when I have a day off and the boy has a day off I have to throw my plans and my desires out the window and make sure to take him outside for an hour or more for no reason other than to keep the fucking peace.
Never mind how many days my husband has been home with the boy while they've both been on break and how many days they didn't go outside... or how many Saturdays pass without them setting so much as a foot outside... hell, at least I take out the fucking garbage.
I'm so pissed off about it and I can't talk to my husband about it because he'll get defensive. It's not ME, it's THE BOY and how it's like pulling teeth to get him outside.
Outside on the busy street or three blocks away to the park?
Outside in the dirt patch we call a yard?
Outside to go hunt down other kids to play with like they're fucking Pokemon?
It's as though my husband has no concept of how the world works and thinks that our son is capable of going outside and transporting to the suburban neighborhoods we grew up in during the 80's.
But what really upset me today was that my husband didn't see how his behavior was affecting me and making me feel bad. Our son did not go outside. He did not express a desire to go outside. On a few occasions I considered asking him if he'd like to go for a walk or bike ride... but as I did not wish to and desired to do things around the house I did not. I didn't feel bad about that before, I felt quite content with our day... but I do now, and have since my husband came home.
I did not get done everything I had hoped to get done today.
If I had taken an hour out of my day to make my son run around outside I would have gotten even less done.
I'm frustrated with the spouse for other reasons - repeatedly putting the hammer into the toolbox instead of leaving it on the shelf.... telling me I don't have to pay him money every month for the mortgage and then coming around a week later and telling me to let him know what I can afford after I get a handle on my budget now that I'm working five less hours a week. Getting so fucking defensive every time I express an emotion other than happiness or gratitude and causing me to immediately backpedal, apologize and start in with the Shirley Temple routine. Coming home from work to eat and rush off to play Magic and then coming home from that and quickly talking to me while loading Fallout... headphones on before I even leave the room.
Yeah.
My husband no sooner came home than he asked the boy if he'd gone outside today. When he heard "No." he proceeded to give the boy a hard time for it.
Of course, the spouse and the boy were home all day yesterday and the spouse didn't take the boy outside yesterday...
Although he'll say it's not my fault or even my responsibility to get the boy outside he knows damn well that our son has never been the type of kid to go outside and play without friends coming and asking him, or an adult taking him outside and to the park, on a bike ride or on a walk.
So I tried to tell my husband that when he comes home acting like the boy not going outside all day is a bad thing... it makes me feel bad.
But he straight said that wasn't his concern, got super defensive and I had to immediately apologize and backpedal and blow it off like it was nothing claiming that I was having a hard time expressing myself adequately and he wasn't understanding and to please never mind and forget about it I would address it another time if I found a way to articulate myself better.
But I don't think I needed to do that.
I think my husband should have stopped, not gotten defensive and immediately understood that I was trying to approach it positively and tell him how it made me feel.
Instead.... when I have a day off and the boy has a day off I have to throw my plans and my desires out the window and make sure to take him outside for an hour or more for no reason other than to keep the fucking peace.
Never mind how many days my husband has been home with the boy while they've both been on break and how many days they didn't go outside... or how many Saturdays pass without them setting so much as a foot outside... hell, at least I take out the fucking garbage.
I'm so pissed off about it and I can't talk to my husband about it because he'll get defensive. It's not ME, it's THE BOY and how it's like pulling teeth to get him outside.
Outside on the busy street or three blocks away to the park?
Outside in the dirt patch we call a yard?
Outside to go hunt down other kids to play with like they're fucking Pokemon?
It's as though my husband has no concept of how the world works and thinks that our son is capable of going outside and transporting to the suburban neighborhoods we grew up in during the 80's.
But what really upset me today was that my husband didn't see how his behavior was affecting me and making me feel bad. Our son did not go outside. He did not express a desire to go outside. On a few occasions I considered asking him if he'd like to go for a walk or bike ride... but as I did not wish to and desired to do things around the house I did not. I didn't feel bad about that before, I felt quite content with our day... but I do now, and have since my husband came home.
I did not get done everything I had hoped to get done today.
If I had taken an hour out of my day to make my son run around outside I would have gotten even less done.
I'm frustrated with the spouse for other reasons - repeatedly putting the hammer into the toolbox instead of leaving it on the shelf.... telling me I don't have to pay him money every month for the mortgage and then coming around a week later and telling me to let him know what I can afford after I get a handle on my budget now that I'm working five less hours a week. Getting so fucking defensive every time I express an emotion other than happiness or gratitude and causing me to immediately backpedal, apologize and start in with the Shirley Temple routine. Coming home from work to eat and rush off to play Magic and then coming home from that and quickly talking to me while loading Fallout... headphones on before I even leave the room.
Yeah.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
January 3, 2019
This week. The first week of the new year. It's tough to take anything seriously this week especially with the wonky work schedule... So I decided to sleep in a little bit and skip the chores this morning. I have tomorrow off and my goal is to complete the to-do list that I've carried over from December... in addition to giving the house a quick once-over and getting all the laundry done, so I figured that since I have to open and have a long day ahead of me... I'd go ahead and "treat" myself.
Treat myself to a private concert.
So the spouse has insomnia and sleep apnea but doesn't use the Cpap because he has trouble falling asleep and the issue is compounded by wearing the mask so he doesn't snore... because he's not sleeping at all.
So he forgoes the mask and if I get woken up for some reason... cat, alarm, his phone, my bladder... I will frequently not be able to get back to sleep or if I do get back to sleep REM sleep is unattainable. I get particularly pissed off when it's his phone that wakes me up as I am adamantly opposed to sleeping with those things in the same room as my unconscious body... but it's his alarm so... yeah.
So he sleeps and the whole house goes quiet and nobody dares disturb him.
I sleep and nobody shuts up.
He takes a nap and the whole house goes quiet, or we leave, and nobody dares disturb him.
I take a nap and get woken up ten minutes in, can't go back to sleep and when I get up I'm more pissed off and tired than I was when I lay down.
But when I complain about my lack of sleep, early waking, etc... well at least he's getting his sleep!
The double standard that is applied subconsciously to it all... as long as the man is getting what he needs the woman is fine.
Uh.
No.
I've been standing up for myself, pointing out the discrepancies and essentially shouting out to the world that I see exactly what is going on. Nothing else, just that I see it.
Funny how differently people treat you when you make it abundantly clear that you SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
You don't have the threaten, you don't have to ask, you don't have to do anything except make it aware that you are neither blind nor stupid and people suddenly change the way they treat you and it's almost fucking scary.
Whether they are doing it on purpose or not the simple fact that you make them aware that you know what is going on changes the way they treat you and it is really weird.
Open the mouth, make the statements, give the pointed looks, don't let go, shake it like a terrier. Not complaining, not asking for change, nothing but statement of facts.
Then I disappeared from work for a week and when I came back it was like a light bulb had gone off over everyone's heads and lo and behold what a fucking pleasure I've been to work with.
Kind of amazing what people do when you pull your head out of your ego and listen to them.
You have a lot of good ideas but so do other people and sometimes two good ideas make a brilliant one.
Or a terrible mistake.
But we'll talk about that another time.
3, 201
Treat myself to a private concert.
So the spouse has insomnia and sleep apnea but doesn't use the Cpap because he has trouble falling asleep and the issue is compounded by wearing the mask so he doesn't snore... because he's not sleeping at all.
So he forgoes the mask and if I get woken up for some reason... cat, alarm, his phone, my bladder... I will frequently not be able to get back to sleep or if I do get back to sleep REM sleep is unattainable. I get particularly pissed off when it's his phone that wakes me up as I am adamantly opposed to sleeping with those things in the same room as my unconscious body... but it's his alarm so... yeah.
So he sleeps and the whole house goes quiet and nobody dares disturb him.
I sleep and nobody shuts up.
He takes a nap and the whole house goes quiet, or we leave, and nobody dares disturb him.
I take a nap and get woken up ten minutes in, can't go back to sleep and when I get up I'm more pissed off and tired than I was when I lay down.
But when I complain about my lack of sleep, early waking, etc... well at least he's getting his sleep!
The double standard that is applied subconsciously to it all... as long as the man is getting what he needs the woman is fine.
Uh.
No.
I've been standing up for myself, pointing out the discrepancies and essentially shouting out to the world that I see exactly what is going on. Nothing else, just that I see it.
Funny how differently people treat you when you make it abundantly clear that you SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
You don't have the threaten, you don't have to ask, you don't have to do anything except make it aware that you are neither blind nor stupid and people suddenly change the way they treat you and it's almost fucking scary.
Whether they are doing it on purpose or not the simple fact that you make them aware that you know what is going on changes the way they treat you and it is really weird.
Open the mouth, make the statements, give the pointed looks, don't let go, shake it like a terrier. Not complaining, not asking for change, nothing but statement of facts.
Then I disappeared from work for a week and when I came back it was like a light bulb had gone off over everyone's heads and lo and behold what a fucking pleasure I've been to work with.
Kind of amazing what people do when you pull your head out of your ego and listen to them.
You have a lot of good ideas but so do other people and sometimes two good ideas make a brilliant one.
Or a terrible mistake.
But we'll talk about that another time.
3, 201
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
January 2, 2019
The ultimate goal is to find... or more accurately, make, time to sit down and write shit out every morning. The only reason I have time today is that I am working the late shift and the boy is on break. I'm slowly setting back the time I wake up every morning - six days a week for 21 days in a row and then I wake up five minutes earlier. My goal is to have enough time to complete my chores and have 20 minutes to write, before I wake up the boy. I'm optimistic that my current success on waking up earlier coupled with my new work schedule will make this easier... more organic an addition to my day.
Therapeutically speaking it will be good for me because the morning is when so much of my deep thinking occurs.
This week things are rough and out of sorts on a number of levels. My work schedule is a combination of the old and the "she needs a day off" and the boy has no school, the spouse actually has to go into the office today for a bit which is odd because for the last few years he's also had a two week break... but they're moving some of the offices around and "losing" a floor in the building so who knows how much is work and how much is the logistics of figuring out where to put his stuff.
I've managed most of the chores, have gotten the crock pot going with tonight's dinner and have added a few things to my to-do. My goal on Friday - the day off I get this week - is to wipe out that list. I'm trying not to add anything to it, but a few things do need to be put down in writing or they'll get forgotten and the inconvenience will be to others than just myself.
I have $100 burning a hole in my pocket.
I got some Christmas checks and gift cards and have been wisely using those on things for myself and the family/household... but now I have an "extra" $100 and I feel that I need to buy something that's just for me... but I'm not sure what. I've used the gift cards to purchase items I wanted and needed and I am building up a shopping cart of CD's to get with a chunk of Christmas money and I have the work bonus earmarked for "cat stuff" and what's left of that will go towards purchasing one or two cat trees... but I feel like I need to get myself something I want... and also need... but I'm not sure what that is. I want immediate gratification-so I don't want to order anything... but I'm limited in my mobility/ability to go shopping for a few days and I'm slightly terrified that I'll spend it on crap at 7/11 instead of eating whatever food I brought for myself.
I have so many goals over the next few months that I'm incredibly grateful I was able to cut my days down from 4 to 3. I feel bad celebrating with my friends who are struggling on 5-6 days of work and barely able to make ends meet but... we all recognize that our lives are different and don't begrudge each other our moments of joy. We help each other where we can and I have friends who are more concerned with my mental health and general contentment with life than with the fact that I can afford to sit at home and focus on me while they work two jobs just to keep their shitty apartments. I also have friends who are better off than I am who celebrate the things that are unattainable to me... but I share their joy. So it goes full circle.
It's time to focus on work. To leave my personal desires, goals and needs to the side while I go pretend to be overjoyed to be working the late shift with an idiot doctor and an asshole office manager. But hopefully the idiot will be tamed by the other tech who is accustomed to working with him and the asshole will be in "friend mode" and the day will go smoothly. After all, this is the last day the asshole or the idiot will have to work with me for the rest of the month so the least we can all do is be nice to each other and have a decent day.
Therapeutically speaking it will be good for me because the morning is when so much of my deep thinking occurs.
This week things are rough and out of sorts on a number of levels. My work schedule is a combination of the old and the "she needs a day off" and the boy has no school, the spouse actually has to go into the office today for a bit which is odd because for the last few years he's also had a two week break... but they're moving some of the offices around and "losing" a floor in the building so who knows how much is work and how much is the logistics of figuring out where to put his stuff.
I've managed most of the chores, have gotten the crock pot going with tonight's dinner and have added a few things to my to-do. My goal on Friday - the day off I get this week - is to wipe out that list. I'm trying not to add anything to it, but a few things do need to be put down in writing or they'll get forgotten and the inconvenience will be to others than just myself.
I have $100 burning a hole in my pocket.
I got some Christmas checks and gift cards and have been wisely using those on things for myself and the family/household... but now I have an "extra" $100 and I feel that I need to buy something that's just for me... but I'm not sure what. I've used the gift cards to purchase items I wanted and needed and I am building up a shopping cart of CD's to get with a chunk of Christmas money and I have the work bonus earmarked for "cat stuff" and what's left of that will go towards purchasing one or two cat trees... but I feel like I need to get myself something I want... and also need... but I'm not sure what that is. I want immediate gratification-so I don't want to order anything... but I'm limited in my mobility/ability to go shopping for a few days and I'm slightly terrified that I'll spend it on crap at 7/11 instead of eating whatever food I brought for myself.
I have so many goals over the next few months that I'm incredibly grateful I was able to cut my days down from 4 to 3. I feel bad celebrating with my friends who are struggling on 5-6 days of work and barely able to make ends meet but... we all recognize that our lives are different and don't begrudge each other our moments of joy. We help each other where we can and I have friends who are more concerned with my mental health and general contentment with life than with the fact that I can afford to sit at home and focus on me while they work two jobs just to keep their shitty apartments. I also have friends who are better off than I am who celebrate the things that are unattainable to me... but I share their joy. So it goes full circle.
It's time to focus on work. To leave my personal desires, goals and needs to the side while I go pretend to be overjoyed to be working the late shift with an idiot doctor and an asshole office manager. But hopefully the idiot will be tamed by the other tech who is accustomed to working with him and the asshole will be in "friend mode" and the day will go smoothly. After all, this is the last day the asshole or the idiot will have to work with me for the rest of the month so the least we can all do is be nice to each other and have a decent day.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
January 1, 2019
Although I don't make New Year Resolutions I do view a new year as new beginning and a chance to make improvements within my life. Change habits, start new things and stuff like that. I think many of us do.
On that note I don't have particularly high hopes for 2019. I've learned not to. 2016 sucked. 2017 wasn't much better. 2018 was bullshit and here we are... again... facing a new year and hoping for better. Hoping for all the bad to take a back seat for a change. We're only asking for 365 days that are a smattering of good but overall just a general "okay" would be fine.
I'm not sure if this collective desperation for a good year is actually doing any good and perhaps we need to face that facts that the world isn't what we think it is and start taking a look at the bigger picture. The key word here being "perspective" but I'll talk about that another time... and I'm sure I've talked about it before. Just looking at it all differently and taking the time to understand what we don't experience or see can probably help us all to have a better year... and life in general.
But it's incredibly difficult for anyone to take that much effort for even an individual, let alone for most everyone they meet.
Even simplifications such as "remember everyone you meet is fighting a battle just like you" or just having someone remind you that the people you deal with are just that: people. People just like you. Tired, sore backs, shithead kids, asshole in-laws, lazy husbands, exhausted wives, lazy wives and exhausted husbands, workaholics, getting over an illness, grieving a loss, in depression, having a panic attack, worried about money, wondering when they'll get a vacation, missing their mom.
I think that remembering that will help me have better days and collectively those days will produce a better year.
There are a lot of things I need to pursue in order to make my days better, and in making each day a step towards making the next day a better day I can hopefully come to the end of it and 365 days from now say that I had a good year.
For a moment I thought I had to be superstitious and, if this year also turns out to be generally crummy and an overall shitty year I would switch the type of calendar I buy for 2020. But I looked back... and I have had Star Trek Original Series calendars since 2015, and *that* wasn't a bad year overall.
So that's just fine.
Today was a usual New Year's Day.
Slept in, drove my friend's husband insane with our constant chatter keeping them here until one in the afternoon. Shirked my household duties, did evening rounds at the clinic and have had a cat on my lap for most of the last few hours.
I'm not so much ready for 2019 as ready for the holidays to be over so I can pack up the decorations, get the dead tree out of my house and move on with other things.
On that note I don't have particularly high hopes for 2019. I've learned not to. 2016 sucked. 2017 wasn't much better. 2018 was bullshit and here we are... again... facing a new year and hoping for better. Hoping for all the bad to take a back seat for a change. We're only asking for 365 days that are a smattering of good but overall just a general "okay" would be fine.
I'm not sure if this collective desperation for a good year is actually doing any good and perhaps we need to face that facts that the world isn't what we think it is and start taking a look at the bigger picture. The key word here being "perspective" but I'll talk about that another time... and I'm sure I've talked about it before. Just looking at it all differently and taking the time to understand what we don't experience or see can probably help us all to have a better year... and life in general.
But it's incredibly difficult for anyone to take that much effort for even an individual, let alone for most everyone they meet.
Even simplifications such as "remember everyone you meet is fighting a battle just like you" or just having someone remind you that the people you deal with are just that: people. People just like you. Tired, sore backs, shithead kids, asshole in-laws, lazy husbands, exhausted wives, lazy wives and exhausted husbands, workaholics, getting over an illness, grieving a loss, in depression, having a panic attack, worried about money, wondering when they'll get a vacation, missing their mom.
I think that remembering that will help me have better days and collectively those days will produce a better year.
There are a lot of things I need to pursue in order to make my days better, and in making each day a step towards making the next day a better day I can hopefully come to the end of it and 365 days from now say that I had a good year.
For a moment I thought I had to be superstitious and, if this year also turns out to be generally crummy and an overall shitty year I would switch the type of calendar I buy for 2020. But I looked back... and I have had Star Trek Original Series calendars since 2015, and *that* wasn't a bad year overall.
So that's just fine.
Today was a usual New Year's Day.
Slept in, drove my friend's husband insane with our constant chatter keeping them here until one in the afternoon. Shirked my household duties, did evening rounds at the clinic and have had a cat on my lap for most of the last few hours.
I'm not so much ready for 2019 as ready for the holidays to be over so I can pack up the decorations, get the dead tree out of my house and move on with other things.
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