I can't keep up. I admit it loud and proud and that's why I only work four days a week. I can't keep up with all of it otherwise. Furthermore, unlike the rest of my co-workers, I have to have my days off consecutive or I completely lose my shit. It would probably be different if I had some help around the house but despite making sure every single dish is washed I inevitably wake up to find a dirty dish or two or three in the sink... Despite making sure we never run out of clothes and the fact that I keep up a steady run of laundry for two or three straight days every week my husband still has a pile of clothes on his nightstand that could potentially suffocate him should it fall. It could be worse, but I started folding his clothes so they would stack better after an unfolded stack of clothes really did fall down... but not on him... no... I could never be so lucky as to have him be the victim of the consequences of his inaction.
I'm tired of hearing "this hurts so bad" from him.
Like I'm walking around feeling great all the time. I've dealt with chronic pain longer than he has... but he seems to forget that.
I hate hearing about how fat he is. He bitches constantly about it... but rarely does anything about it... and when he does he just bitches about how much it hurts. He'll become the fat guy with chronic pain who can't do anything about his weight because of the pain. Meanwhile I'm over here wishing I could feel normal for just ten fucking seconds and I'm skinny. I'm active. I'm strong. I don't let it stop me.
I'm tired of him getting pissed off at the boy... when he does the very things he tells the boy not to do. Or doesn't do the things he tells the boy to do... and then wonders why the boy thinks his father doesn't like him.
I'm tired of the lazy. I come home from a long day at work and spend another hour doing things around the house before I sit down. I'm on my feet all day long at work... he comes home from his job where he sits, and he sits. He sits and sits and sits and whines about being fat and bitches about how things don't get done and says he needs to stop wasting his weekends but stays up way too late, sleeps half the day away and then sits and sits and sits because sports and cell phone games are more important than anything else. I work around him and get pissed off that he's sitting... and he never gets up - motivated by my action to do something... So I sit. I sit and read and read and read until that's all I want to do because the fantasy world is so much more interesting than the fat and lazy spouse who bitches about being fat and lazy yet has a multitude of excuses for why he can't stop being fat and lazy.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Friday, July 21, 2017
too much too little
These last few days have been rough, interesting, stupid and... there have been moments of fun. I have tons I want to write about but of course I postponed actually writing until there wasn't enough time for me to actually write about anything meaningful.
We said goodbye to Number 3 three days ago and my heart is still breaking. We still start crying randomly, the other four cats are all off kilter and things are just not right around here. I'll start healing when I get his cremains back in five days. Fifteen years with that cat. I miss him so much, there's a huge hole...
The spouse infuriated me with the "it's okay when you do it but not when I do it" line - again. He has no idea how hypocritical it is. Especially when he uses it when I'm in the middle of telling him why it's different, or that it's really not the same thing at all. He doesn't listen to me, so I don't know why I try. Last night I learned that the only way to avoid issues when we're out walking somewhere is to let him get super far ahead of me, don't complain or even comment on it and just let it happen. I can't keep up and if I pull ahead because I see a good way through the crowd he -for some unknown reason- will not follow me at all. I've proven that I can break through crowds better than he can, but he has to lead the way or I leave him behind and he gets pissed off and sulks. However, if I get pissed off and sulk I'm being unreasonable. Lesson learned. Got it. No problem. I'll struggle and flail through crowds in a mad attempt to keep up with you and be super fucking happy about the fact that you pull so far ahead you can't see me, can't hear me and have no idea where I am. Never mind that I never get more than 10 feet ahead of you and am fully aware of where you are at all times - you have to be in front.
I'm exhausted but that's not new.
The house is a total wreck and I'm struggling to care.
It's totally time to go and I can't even remember the other things I wanted to mention.
We said goodbye to Number 3 three days ago and my heart is still breaking. We still start crying randomly, the other four cats are all off kilter and things are just not right around here. I'll start healing when I get his cremains back in five days. Fifteen years with that cat. I miss him so much, there's a huge hole...
The spouse infuriated me with the "it's okay when you do it but not when I do it" line - again. He has no idea how hypocritical it is. Especially when he uses it when I'm in the middle of telling him why it's different, or that it's really not the same thing at all. He doesn't listen to me, so I don't know why I try. Last night I learned that the only way to avoid issues when we're out walking somewhere is to let him get super far ahead of me, don't complain or even comment on it and just let it happen. I can't keep up and if I pull ahead because I see a good way through the crowd he -for some unknown reason- will not follow me at all. I've proven that I can break through crowds better than he can, but he has to lead the way or I leave him behind and he gets pissed off and sulks. However, if I get pissed off and sulk I'm being unreasonable. Lesson learned. Got it. No problem. I'll struggle and flail through crowds in a mad attempt to keep up with you and be super fucking happy about the fact that you pull so far ahead you can't see me, can't hear me and have no idea where I am. Never mind that I never get more than 10 feet ahead of you and am fully aware of where you are at all times - you have to be in front.
I'm exhausted but that's not new.
The house is a total wreck and I'm struggling to care.
It's totally time to go and I can't even remember the other things I wanted to mention.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
random thoughts of cats and things
On Sunday the spousal unit took the boy to his monthly LARP. It had been awhile since they'd gone, it's one of the few social things the boy willingly does and I'm glad he had his interest re-sparked when he participated in a huge LARP at the last convention. On Sunday they learned that this week there was a week-long camp. So the boy signed up. Yesterday I had my first real day alone since summer vacation started. I cleaned the house, did most of the laundry and a friend came over for dinner to hang out and spend some time with our oldest cat. Number Three will be crossing the Rainbow Bridge in a few days. His osteoarthritis has resulted in fractures in both hind legs. Degenerative Joint Disease means these bones are simply disintegrating, becoming weaker and weaker. These fractures will never heal, and eventually he will snap a bone instead of simply cracking it. Once I confirmed the second break, with two doctors examining Number Three, I determined that when his food was gone I would schedule his euthanasia. Well, he's almost out of food. It's Tuesday... I'm figuring Sunday or Monday. Number Three is fifteen-years-old. I've had him since he was 5 weeks old... he's been in my life longer than I've known my husband. My heart is breaking, but he's been living in this pain for over two years. I can't run the risk of him truly snapping a limb, not when I can prevent him having to experience that. My heart is breaking.
Today I have a whole list of things to do. Rather reasonable list and something I can easily accomplish within a couple of hours or so. I should really get up and get to work but my motivation has gone off with the boys. I managed a pancake for the Spawn, made sure he had everything he needs for the day and kissed them before waving forlornly as they pulled out of the driveway. As much as I cherish my time alone I get lonely and start to miss the boy. Over the holiday they were both home, we had things going on, the boy spent Tuesday with his grandmother and I didn't see him again until late Wednesday, then had early mornings on Thursday and Friday - was exhausted and barely spent time with him either day - Saturday we hung out a bit but Sunday he was gone all day, yesterday he was gone all day... gone all day today and tomorrow I'm back at work.
It's weird how much I miss him when we're not together. I dread the increase in time apart as he gets older. I wonder if it will hurt less or if I'll just get used to it?
Today I have a whole list of things to do. Rather reasonable list and something I can easily accomplish within a couple of hours or so. I should really get up and get to work but my motivation has gone off with the boys. I managed a pancake for the Spawn, made sure he had everything he needs for the day and kissed them before waving forlornly as they pulled out of the driveway. As much as I cherish my time alone I get lonely and start to miss the boy. Over the holiday they were both home, we had things going on, the boy spent Tuesday with his grandmother and I didn't see him again until late Wednesday, then had early mornings on Thursday and Friday - was exhausted and barely spent time with him either day - Saturday we hung out a bit but Sunday he was gone all day, yesterday he was gone all day... gone all day today and tomorrow I'm back at work.
It's weird how much I miss him when we're not together. I dread the increase in time apart as he gets older. I wonder if it will hurt less or if I'll just get used to it?
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
I hate the fourth of july
Confession... I hate the Fourth of July.
It's not the holiday itself, or what it stands for... I have no problems with the fact that my country gained their independence from England and consider myself to be patriotic. It's the fact that every single Fourth I get sidelined and forced to do things I don't want to do-and don't consider fun-because it's what my in-laws want to do.
I straight told my husband that I didn't want to do any of it, that I was upset that it had worked out in such a way that I had to do all of it and really wish that my feelings had been taken into consideration. I did my best, had a few moments of fun, was not regretful when it was said and done... but this morning I'm sitting here looking at the week I have ahead of me... and after the last three days of "I'm gonna do the- Never mind..." because no one else seemed to care about what I was doing, what I had to do, or what I had done... so I'm looking at the week I have ahead and the few things that I have planned out or that I desire to do... and I'm wondering how much of it is going to get fucked up in an effort to placate his mother, will get fucked up because he won't look at the calendar, or will get fucked up because nobody cared that I wanted to be included and went off without me.
I'm so tired of feeling ignored and sidelined in my own life... while everyone sits around and calls me selfish because I want to spend my free time alone. When I attempt to talk about it people tell me that it's part of having a family and part of being a parent... but my child does not sideline me, he's often the only one who cares enough to find out what's wrong or to pull me into something and help me have fun. Having a family does not mean bending over backwards to make your mother-in-law happy at the expense of your own sanity.
But it's go crazy trying to satisfy her every whim, or she makes my husband feel horrible because I don't want to do something, tells people that I'm not there because I hate her (not because I'm working, tired after working, or simply don't enjoy the event) and before I know it I'm inches from divorce and have to spend the next two years explaining to people that the time in question I had to work odd hours, or had a health issue that prevented me from attending the events. I've had to do this.
So it's pick your battles... last night I was putting on my shoes, I pulled my pants up over my knees, pulled my sock to my knee, pulled on the shoe and was proceeding to lace it. My mother in law stared at my leg as though there were something horrific about it and asked me what was on my leg. I told her, "My pants, my sock and my shoe." She continued to stare, the look turning to one of horrified disgust, the look on her fact was deeply and incredibly insulting and she continued to ask me what was on my leg... three or four times she asked, "What's on your leg?" and each time I (or my mother) told her, "Nothing - my sock, my shoe, my pants." I got pissed and snapped at her. She got pissed because we weren't answering her question. She wasn't specifying color, location, she wasn't telling us what she was seeing and just kept asking me what was on my leg while staring at it like the flesh was melting from my bones.
My husband got mad at me because I snapped at his mother.
He paid no attention to the entire ordeal until he heard my tone change.
My mother had to jump to my defense while I walked out of the house.
It was fucking ridiculous.
All because my mother in law couldn't specify, "What is the white thing on your leg?" or understand that when I said, "Nothing is on my leg except my sock, my shoe and my pants." that the white thing she saw might be a fucking sock.
This kind of shit happens all the time and I'm always the one at fault and I'm always the one who gets scolded or bitched at for being mean.
FML
It's not the holiday itself, or what it stands for... I have no problems with the fact that my country gained their independence from England and consider myself to be patriotic. It's the fact that every single Fourth I get sidelined and forced to do things I don't want to do-and don't consider fun-because it's what my in-laws want to do.
I straight told my husband that I didn't want to do any of it, that I was upset that it had worked out in such a way that I had to do all of it and really wish that my feelings had been taken into consideration. I did my best, had a few moments of fun, was not regretful when it was said and done... but this morning I'm sitting here looking at the week I have ahead of me... and after the last three days of "I'm gonna do the- Never mind..." because no one else seemed to care about what I was doing, what I had to do, or what I had done... so I'm looking at the week I have ahead and the few things that I have planned out or that I desire to do... and I'm wondering how much of it is going to get fucked up in an effort to placate his mother, will get fucked up because he won't look at the calendar, or will get fucked up because nobody cared that I wanted to be included and went off without me.
I'm so tired of feeling ignored and sidelined in my own life... while everyone sits around and calls me selfish because I want to spend my free time alone. When I attempt to talk about it people tell me that it's part of having a family and part of being a parent... but my child does not sideline me, he's often the only one who cares enough to find out what's wrong or to pull me into something and help me have fun. Having a family does not mean bending over backwards to make your mother-in-law happy at the expense of your own sanity.
But it's go crazy trying to satisfy her every whim, or she makes my husband feel horrible because I don't want to do something, tells people that I'm not there because I hate her (not because I'm working, tired after working, or simply don't enjoy the event) and before I know it I'm inches from divorce and have to spend the next two years explaining to people that the time in question I had to work odd hours, or had a health issue that prevented me from attending the events. I've had to do this.
So it's pick your battles... last night I was putting on my shoes, I pulled my pants up over my knees, pulled my sock to my knee, pulled on the shoe and was proceeding to lace it. My mother in law stared at my leg as though there were something horrific about it and asked me what was on my leg. I told her, "My pants, my sock and my shoe." She continued to stare, the look turning to one of horrified disgust, the look on her fact was deeply and incredibly insulting and she continued to ask me what was on my leg... three or four times she asked, "What's on your leg?" and each time I (or my mother) told her, "Nothing - my sock, my shoe, my pants." I got pissed and snapped at her. She got pissed because we weren't answering her question. She wasn't specifying color, location, she wasn't telling us what she was seeing and just kept asking me what was on my leg while staring at it like the flesh was melting from my bones.
My husband got mad at me because I snapped at his mother.
He paid no attention to the entire ordeal until he heard my tone change.
My mother had to jump to my defense while I walked out of the house.
It was fucking ridiculous.
All because my mother in law couldn't specify, "What is the white thing on your leg?" or understand that when I said, "Nothing is on my leg except my sock, my shoe and my pants." that the white thing she saw might be a fucking sock.
This kind of shit happens all the time and I'm always the one at fault and I'm always the one who gets scolded or bitched at for being mean.
FML
Sunday, July 2, 2017
I hate the fourth of july
I hate the Fourth of July. I said it. I hate it. This Red-blooded American Girl who is 6-7 generations born (depending on which branch of the tree you decide to follow) absolutely loathes Independence Day. It's quite obviously not what it stands for that elicits such a visceral feeling... instead, it's the way I get treated and the bullshit nonsense we have to do as a family and the ego and the snot freezing boredom.
The in-laws never make up their mind until the last minute.
My mother is never included and doesn't make plans or accept invitations because she's waiting to hear from us... but she never contacts, never bugs, never gets insistent because that one year she did it all went really sour... because my in-laws bitched, made up their mind last minute, my mom was stuck with all the work, nobody told her when they were coming over and the whole thing was just a fucking nightmare.
This year I made an effort and was immediately shot down with attitude.
My husband didn't realize there was no child care for the entire week and texted her about taking our son for one of the three days we need help... and she said she would but was incredibly bitchy about it.
Did she contact me? No.
It's still all my fucking fault that the in-laws have AGAIN waited until the last minute.
This is how it is every single year.
So next April I'm going to start planning a Fourth of July BBQ and I'm going to create an Event on Facebook, send out a fucking Evite and just make a big god damned deal about it. I will plan the whole thing myself a good 8-10 weeks in advance so nobody will have any excuse to not go and I won't have to go to some fucking block party where I don't know anybody and attempt small talk for hours with people I have absolutely nothing in common with.
I'm absolutely fuming about the whole thing.
The subtle passive aggressive bullshit from this woman is killing me.
I want to send her a scathing text apologizing to her for my asshole in-laws and finish it up with a simple, "I can't believe I'm apologizing for them, when you'll never acknowledge that you too were at fault when you didn't contact me or ask me about the Fourth anymore than I did you. Instead, I get to shoulder all the fucking blame for something we both did."
It's not like we don't know this is going to happen.
It's not like it's fucking new or anything.
I have to go do whatever they want because I so frequently don't, and also because I haven't done any of the family hang out shit the last couple of weeks because it's all been stuff I don't like to do or has happened when I've been at work.
I'm really not looking forward to Tuesday... or Wednesday morning when I drop the boy off with her for the day...
In fact, I'd like this week to be over already, can it be next weekend already?
Assholes.
Every single one of them.
The in-laws never make up their mind until the last minute.
My mother is never included and doesn't make plans or accept invitations because she's waiting to hear from us... but she never contacts, never bugs, never gets insistent because that one year she did it all went really sour... because my in-laws bitched, made up their mind last minute, my mom was stuck with all the work, nobody told her when they were coming over and the whole thing was just a fucking nightmare.
This year I made an effort and was immediately shot down with attitude.
My husband didn't realize there was no child care for the entire week and texted her about taking our son for one of the three days we need help... and she said she would but was incredibly bitchy about it.
Did she contact me? No.
It's still all my fucking fault that the in-laws have AGAIN waited until the last minute.
This is how it is every single year.
So next April I'm going to start planning a Fourth of July BBQ and I'm going to create an Event on Facebook, send out a fucking Evite and just make a big god damned deal about it. I will plan the whole thing myself a good 8-10 weeks in advance so nobody will have any excuse to not go and I won't have to go to some fucking block party where I don't know anybody and attempt small talk for hours with people I have absolutely nothing in common with.
I'm absolutely fuming about the whole thing.
The subtle passive aggressive bullshit from this woman is killing me.
I want to send her a scathing text apologizing to her for my asshole in-laws and finish it up with a simple, "I can't believe I'm apologizing for them, when you'll never acknowledge that you too were at fault when you didn't contact me or ask me about the Fourth anymore than I did you. Instead, I get to shoulder all the fucking blame for something we both did."
It's not like we don't know this is going to happen.
It's not like it's fucking new or anything.
I have to go do whatever they want because I so frequently don't, and also because I haven't done any of the family hang out shit the last couple of weeks because it's all been stuff I don't like to do or has happened when I've been at work.
I'm really not looking forward to Tuesday... or Wednesday morning when I drop the boy off with her for the day...
In fact, I'd like this week to be over already, can it be next weekend already?
Assholes.
Every single one of them.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
lazy asshole
The inability to pay attention.
The fact that plans are made involving me and I'm not told... or no plans are made and at the last minute it becomes my problem... but control over the last two vacations because the fucking hotel that I reserved in February had no hot water for two nights (like that's my fucking fault) and the last two trips were not without their problems... and those problems were 90% due to things he didn't think of, his not paying attention, his male ego.
He probably shouldn't have married a woman who presents as genderqueer.
A "manly" woman.
A woman whose personality and thought process is so evenly split 50/50 that she's often mistaken for being homosexual, bisexual or transgender.
I was deeply offended when he told a mutual friend that "neither of us have any experience" with "handy-work" despite the things I've done over the years that he's either seen first hand or heard about from myself and others.
He takes it upon himself to jump into projects and gets all gung ho and then wastes half the day sleeping, plays games on his phone another four hours, then frantically runs to the hardware store... He either forgets things while he's there or doesn't make sure that he has all the necessary tools and supplies while making his list and inevitably makes an assumption that we have something when we do not. After a minimum of two trips to the hardware store it's always too late to do the thing so he sits back down with his games and that's the end of it... until he sleeps through half of tomorrow, plays his games another three or four hours, then jumps up like the couch is on fire to get to work on something that he'll spend more time preparing and gathering together the items for than he'll actually spend doing the work itself.
Then I have to be so proud of the manly home-owner who spent two days and 8 hours patching one coffee can sized spot on the wall and reassure him that yes, he did a fine job... but not that it will require re-texturing because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and won't just relax and let me do it.
It's totally possible to patch a wall and match your texture at the same time... Instead he has to go back, sand them all down and before I paint I will have to re-texture... which doesn't save me any time in the process at all. None.
I swear. I'm gonna snap.
The fact that plans are made involving me and I'm not told... or no plans are made and at the last minute it becomes my problem... but control over the last two vacations because the fucking hotel that I reserved in February had no hot water for two nights (like that's my fucking fault) and the last two trips were not without their problems... and those problems were 90% due to things he didn't think of, his not paying attention, his male ego.
He probably shouldn't have married a woman who presents as genderqueer.
A "manly" woman.
A woman whose personality and thought process is so evenly split 50/50 that she's often mistaken for being homosexual, bisexual or transgender.
I was deeply offended when he told a mutual friend that "neither of us have any experience" with "handy-work" despite the things I've done over the years that he's either seen first hand or heard about from myself and others.
He takes it upon himself to jump into projects and gets all gung ho and then wastes half the day sleeping, plays games on his phone another four hours, then frantically runs to the hardware store... He either forgets things while he's there or doesn't make sure that he has all the necessary tools and supplies while making his list and inevitably makes an assumption that we have something when we do not. After a minimum of two trips to the hardware store it's always too late to do the thing so he sits back down with his games and that's the end of it... until he sleeps through half of tomorrow, plays his games another three or four hours, then jumps up like the couch is on fire to get to work on something that he'll spend more time preparing and gathering together the items for than he'll actually spend doing the work itself.
Then I have to be so proud of the manly home-owner who spent two days and 8 hours patching one coffee can sized spot on the wall and reassure him that yes, he did a fine job... but not that it will require re-texturing because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and won't just relax and let me do it.
It's totally possible to patch a wall and match your texture at the same time... Instead he has to go back, sand them all down and before I paint I will have to re-texture... which doesn't save me any time in the process at all. None.
I swear. I'm gonna snap.
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