what's the rush

the amount of things I have to do is overwhelming and not knowing where to start is extremely frustrating.  I know, start with the things that still need to be finished.  I'm on it. Regardless, the realization that in order to empty the box in the front room I will have to paint two rooms simultaneously is rather...  exhausting.  So here I am.  Errands to run, chores to do and I'm staring at Facebook with a cup of coffee waiting for my Kleptocat to return to me because the store I want to visit doesn't open for another half an hour and what's the rush?
The rush is the sheer amount of shit I have to do today and the fact that literally every second matters when you're hoping against hope for the opportunity to binge Grey's Anatomy later.
Tore the boy's room apart yesterday.  Even the closet.  It's amazing.  Hopefully he won't ask for a single god damned thing back and I can get rid of it all in three months time...  have to finish sorting the Legos and hoping to spend some time doing that later.  Had to stop last night as my back was killing me and I'm pretty sure that the skin on my fingers was going to start cracking and bleeding from the pulling apart of so many of the tiny plastic pieces and do not let me forget to get the stuff from the backyard... 

well fuck you too

System update incapacitated my phone for about 30 minutes and it was *all* bullshit.  I don't have the option of starting the update whenever it's convenient, I have to be "asked" by my phone... after awhile "remind me later" is a response my phone will no longer find acceptable. 
Once I'm informed that the update is complete...  my phone still doesn't work because the update is not complete - the download is.  It still needs to actually integrate the update into the system and *that* takes time that my phone kindly does not tell me it needs. 
So it appears to crash, screen goes dark, notifications start coming in...  but I cannot turn off the phone, restart the phone or even change the volume.

So I'm forced to listen to my phone chime and ding at me while I rage incoherently at it.

My lazy Sunday morning - killed in a fog of rage because I wanted to quickly check a text to make sure it wasn't something important.. 

Then Amazon had to send me *ANOTHER* Email asking me to update my payment information... because I forgot to update the card when the bank sent me a new one out of the blue because somewhere I used it had been compromised... but I FIXED THAT by going into my account and literally removing EVERY OTHER CARD that was there just a few minutes after placing the order.  The order I placed last week.  That I just now got an Email asking me to update payment info... which I did last week...  my head fucking exploded.

All of this is on top of the joy of listening to the chorus of my husband's fucking alarm and his god damned nose for a solid 20 minutes ON MY DAY TO SLEEP IN.  Do something about the sleep apnea before MY sleep deprivation causes problems...  oops.  Too late.  I don't understand.  I really don't fucking understand.  You know that you have sleep apnea and you sleep like absolute shit because of it...  your spouse is CONSTANTLY complaining about how your snoring - caused by your sleep apnea - is affecting her sleep in a very negative way...  but do you do anything about it?  Nope.  You just get quiet and act butt-hurt when she's pissed off because her sleep got fucked with...  AGAIN...  and you don't seem to give a fuck.  Take fucking pills to go to sleep.  Get dependent on them.  Have to DOUBLE YOUR FUCKING DOSE because you've been on them for so many years.  Pills make snoring worse.  Some good answers.  I thought I married an intelligent man.

To top it all off I've just informed the boy that if he fucking mentions the Nintendo Switch ONE MORE TIME he's not getting it for Christmas.  He won't stop.  Have we ordered it?  We'd better order it.  Has it been delivered?  We have to make sure the package doesn't get stolen.  When he opens it on Christmas NOTHING ELSE WILL MATTER and he's gonna set it up and play a level of a game before he opens the rest of his presents and on and on and on and on and I fucking made him cry.

I'm SICK OF IT.

Apparently I'm a ball of rage today.
I find it preferable to the ball of incredible sadness and misery I was for the last couple of days but I don't think anyone else will.

the problem with sunday

Sundays are hard.  They're hard because they're my only real day off...  I don't have to work, I don't have to take the boy to school, I can sleep in and lay about the house...  but they're also the only day we're really together as a family, so it's the day for family outings and such...  but they're also the day that I feel is best to catch up on the stuff that I fell behind on during the work week...  but then...  I just want to do nothing all day and fuck it all.

So the coffee cup is empty and the joint is gone and I'm struggling with what to do with myself.
I can sit here and waste time for hours, I've proven my skills.

The thing is...  no matter what choice I make today...  I'll feel as though I wasted the day.  Sunday is about finding balance.  Doing just enough of each thing that I wish to accomplish to feel that I've had a productive day...  yet not feel as though I wasted my opportunity for a lazy day.

This probably means that yard work is better done on Tuesday.

So far I've managed to balance today fairly well but I'm starting to get anxious about getting things done and am finding it difficult to do nothing.

Damn first world problems and shit.

depression fucking sucks

I read a lot of bullshit on the internet.
I don't know why.
It's entertaining but essentially useless.
Brides tell the how they were left at the alter.
Retail workers share their worst customers.
I eat this shit up and I know damn well that I'm doing it to avoid the things I should be doing...  in some cases I get so caught up in Ask Amy and Miss Manners clicking from page to page and cussing out ad after ad when I honestly just want to read my book.
So why don't I open the book?
It's right there.
Right next to me.
Instead I get pissed off about the people who can't seem to deal with a co-worker who won't stop drinking their beverages.  I get irritated at the guy whose fiance wants more time to plan their wedding and isn't willing to consider a short engagement...  when the dude's mom is fucking dieing.  Dump. Her. Now.
An hour goes by and I realize I haven't eaten dinner, I haven't done my chores and now I don't have time to read, or watch my shows, or work on any of the projects I have piling around me... mocking me.

I do this to avoid...  But why do I avoid the pleasure of reading for a little before dinner?  Why do I skip dinner so I can do my chores?  Why do I go to bed hungry and unsatisfied because I never took the time to watch one of my shows...  even though when I got home from work I had plenty of time to get everything done...

can't focus on the thing

Although I love the extra time I get when I start work late I do not love getting home late.

There is so much.
So, so much.

I wish I had time to sit down and do this daily.
Motivation.
That's the big one.
Every morning I sit here with a million thoughts running through my head, seeking an outlet...  even if they're stupid, meaningless, random ramblings the thing is...
The thing is it's so much better for me to just let it all out.  To sit here and let it pour out so it's not cluttering up my mind.
My brain is like a stove.  A good eight burner stove top.  Every burner going at once.  Sometimes its so hard to keep the seven burners that aren't immediate from boiling.  If more than two start to roll a panic attack hits and then all bets are off.  I could be fine in a few minutes or it could take a couple hours and I spend the rest of the day shaky and jumpy.  The slightest thing could set off another panic attack and if there's more than one a day I don't want to know what will happen.
I usually have one on the way to work every Wednesday.
Should be fun.
The anxiety starts to ramp up...
But we won't discuss that.
Again...  so much.

I can't focus on any one thing because there are too many things.  When I do manage to focus on something I run out of time and the daily grind interferes and then who knows how long it will be for me to get back to the thing?
Pressing needs.
Pressing desires.
No time.  It's an hour of chores that stretches into two hours...  then it's time to fold all the laundry and give treats to the cats and three other things pop up and in the interest of not starting another huge list I take care of them just to find that it's time to fold more laundry and make dinner and I never got to the thing.

Making it a point to focus on certain things in my life is helping to get things done but my kitchen cabinets are out of fucking control and they're getting to the point where I don't know how much longer I can handle it.  But the curtains.  I need to focus on hemming and making and hanging the curtains.

No time.
If I could take the day off I would be able to focus on the curtains today.
I could get so much done because there's nothing else to do.
This is why I want to cut my days down to three...  to give me that day to focus on the thing.  Whatever the current thing may be.