With no profile information, and nothing done to personalize or fancy up the presentation... I write. There's a part of me that has cried for the ability to pour myself out. The inability to do so with the degree of anonymity that I require has become increasingly difficult over the years... so we move on and we lose things.
The fact of the matter is that today I have struggled with a problem that has plagued me for a great deal of time, yet any attempt to address it is immediately met with defensive behavior.
I'm really tired of people getting pissed off because I'm not available.
Period.
I make plans, and someone is bound to get pissed off at me for not considering them and then I've got to change plans, re-schedule and bend over backwards to make someone happy...
I can't sit here and go over history and replay years of slights and mishaps and bullshit.
Let it suffice to say that any major day in my life has to be planned and checked with more people than any intelligent person would consider reasonable... all this in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. It doesn't matter how the feelings get hurt, or who is hurt, what it boils down to is this perception:
I am a selfish bitch who puts her own desires above those of everyone else.
But what I see is a bunch of people who cannot, or will not accept that sometimes I like to do things by myself, or with a smaller group of people, or just not at all. This is not personal, it's not against them, it's simply what I find best for me.
I'd be more open to compromise if it were something that people responded positively to in the past. But considering how the request to meet in the middle is usually met with a sob story as to why that's not possible... I have to give my all to get jack shit in return and usually for people I don't even fucking like.
That's the kicker.
I don't even like the people.
But to keep the peace I play the game and some days... some days I just get pushed too far and I fucking pop and then... and then someone knocks on my door... unannounced, unexpected...
I wanted to run away from home.
But I have to be the gracious host.
I have to be so kind and grateful that my house is full of people when I am very busy and had not planned for company.
Nobody cares... as long as I play by the rules.
But why do we have these rules?
Why is it more important to keep other people happy than to do that which brings us pleasure?
Why do we get so fucking pissed off when someone tells us that we're not convenient... yet get pissed off because we can't tell people that they're inconvenient?
