every morning

Every morning I spend time on social media and news sites.
Every morning for the last 9 days that time online has become all consuming.
I spend more time and energy keeping up with what's going on under the new administration than I spend doing things I enjoy.
Not that I don't enjoy killing trolls.  Because I really, really do.  I love killing trolls and am becoming exceptionally good at it.  I don't care if this makes me bad. I don't care what impression I'm making.  I see falsehoods and ignorance and I have to speak up.

I see this new administration creating within the American people something all the Obama haters could never accomplish.  Distrust of the government by the American people in record numbers.

Never, an all the history of our country has there been such high numbers of people who disapprove of the president.

What troubles me the most is the man's complete and utter inability to understand why he is disliked-despite the fact that it's right in front of his nose every time he picks up his phone and opens the Twitter app.

That alone is proof of his psychological instability.

I can see why some people would agree with some of his policies.
I can not see why so many people agree with so many of his policies.
Granted, their numbers are not large - and dwindle daily - but I still have a very hard time accepting that so many Americans are still unable to understand that he possesses qualities undesirable for the leader of a nation.

I do not understand why no one seems to care about what is going on in the South China Seas.

If he truly brings this country to war - people will die because he's a selfish pig.
Some of those people will gladly go to their deaths fighting for something they believe in because their eyes are half open or they're blinded by their love of an unattainable ideal built on a foundation of fear, racism, sexism and lies...

As a scholar of history with a working knowledge of politics and a logical mind

I'm absolutely fucking terrified.

thought I lost the computer

Thought my computer had completely died on me.  If anything it spurred me to get my ass in gear on the stuff I have sitting around waiting for me because...  one of the projects further down the road is to backup everything on the computer.

Yes, I'm bad about that.  Incredibly so.  But I'm a fucking work in progress and right now the only thing I want is a pint of ice cream.

It's been a long and exhausting day.  The house is clean, I pulled out the vacuum and cleaned all the floors.  The rugs are drying but I can't hang them outside because of the weather... rain and sun then more rain then the sun...  it's totally bi-polar.

On the whole topic of the computer it turns out I just need to uninstall Mozilla and move completely over to Google Chrome, which is fine, I've been in the process of that for awhile so it's not like it's a huge ass deal or anything.

Dinner is almost ready and my back is killing me.  The last load of laundry is in the washing machine and I've managed to complete everything on the list today.  I just need to brush my poor arthritic cat who can't bathe himself and I'm down to simple personal maintenance.  like that pint of ice cream.

I get one more day off before I go back to work...  and I honestly hope that this week doesn't feel like a waste of my time, like last week.  I hate going to work to sit on my ass and do nothing.  I know some people like getting paid to do nothing...  but I have better things to do and I'd rather be doing them.

But I've got a lot on the books for tomorrow, so I'm gonna pull that out and go over it before dinner...  maybe I can get one or two things done tonight...  maybe.

don't alienate the white woman

You are so beautiful, and you are so intelligent.
Twenty something of Latin and Scandinavian descent...
You've spent your entire life in the Southern United States...
You've come out as bisexual, and have even begun experimenting with your gender identity.
You worship old gods, some would call them dead.

You need to stop stomping all over cisgendered white women.
You have to.
You're killing your allies.

This fight is not for or about people of color, immigrants, or the LGBTQ community...  this fight is not for the disabled, it's not for the women...  it's not for the veterans or the poor or any other individual community.  This fight is for every single one of us.  Maybe it took more, maybe it took longer, maybe it took this final straw to break the collective backs of white women across the country because we're more accustomed to holding our tongues and holding these burdens?

Did you ever fucking stop to think about that?

No.

Look at the history of WHITE CISGENDER WOMEN in America and tell me we haven't been, and are not still being, oppressed.  We were oppressed before the slaves were brought here, we were oppressed on the fucking boats, before the existence of the Native Americans was even known.  We were oppressed before we came here...

You say don't compare the struggles of the Irish to the struggles of the African.
Read your history little girl.
Your white cisgender female friends aren't riding the coattails of their minority counterparts.  Every advancement in women's rights and equality in this country was not because of a woman of color or a woman of the LGBTQ community.

Read your history little girl and understand that the group longest oppressed in this great fucked up nation of ours is not you - it's us.  WOMEN. PERIOD.  No qualifiers.  Just the presence of a fucking uterus.

This goes back so far that any division within our ranks is despicable.
We are oppressed all over the world.
We were oppressed by our own men before the knowledge of other races existed.
We were lower than slaves, then the same as slaves, then perhaps slightly higher...  property?  Yes.
We are women.
That's all that matters.

and today we have a new president

I'm in a rather sad state at the moment, and I recognize the depression for what it is, I also recognize the reason.  It's not sorrow.  I'm afraid, but I'm not afraid for myself, I'm afraid for my country, the world, and just fucking people in general.  I'm not liking what I'm seeing.

I'm not comfortable being labeled as a liberal, although I've used the term to describe myself and have accepted the label for years.  Over the last four to six years I've felt a continued disconnect with liberals in general and the Democratic Party in particular and I know I'm not alone.

I'm re-educating, further educating and broadening my bandwidth.
I'll find the proper label at some point, probably Libertarian.  Probably.

I have a load of laundry in the basket waiting to be folded, a load in the dryer that needs to be folded and a load in the washer that need to be put in the dryer.
But all I can do is sit here.

It's honestly been rather difficult to even get things done for the last few days...  and I know I haven't come here and spilled anything recently, but that's not for lack of desire.

I had a doctor's appointment the day before yesterday that left me sorely disappointed and solidified my desire to find a new doctor.  I could have gone on and on about that...  but I found myself on social media killing time and writing incredibly long and detailed status updates that I never posted.. . things that should have been written here...  the reason I fucking created this thing.

I'm just falling back into old habits instead of holding true to my determination to get shit done and get shit under control and start making progress on fixing up this house and making it what I want it to be.

I think I've settled on a blue for the kitchen.

It's raining a lot.  It's beautiful but freeways are closing and roads are flooding and the mountain is falling.  There was lightening.

I know the reason for all of this is the election, the inauguration, the fear I have...

I also know that this too shall pass and we'll be all the stronger for it, but when?  When will it pass and when will we be stronger?

Life is too short to condemn ourselves to such...  hatred and bigotry.
The most unpopular president in American History.
A man whose popularity has actually declined since he was elected.
I cannot fathom where we will go from here...

But the laundry isn't going to fold itself.

the anger boils but it all boils down to one thing

I had such an epically fucked up day I can't even begin to describe it, I don't want to re-live it and laying out all the trivialities that made it so awful just makes me look like an asshole.
At least I'm not a stupid asshole.
But seriously.

If you have a dog that has been showing signs of pain for six days and you've already shelled out 10K on back surgery...  why do you wait until one hour before the vet closes to even call them?  Then you show up 15 minutes before they close and all you want is pain meds.

It's like the asshole who always shows up ten minutes before we close to buy food.  Dude...  we've closed the books and put up the chairs, half the lights are out and we're literally only here because we're getting paid to be and you never know when an emergency is going to call.  We're technically open...  but we're not big box.  We leave when we close so we do all the procedural stuff beforehand... and your last minute $40 bag of food just guarantees us an extra five minutes sitting here doing stuff we already did.

I have a lot of problems with the way people treat those in customer service.  As a result of this I usually go out of my way to make a sales person smile, feel useful or be useful.  If I don't need them, I'm honest, go back to the conversation you were having with your friend, if I need you-I'll get you-you're good.  If I'm the last minute person I ask, "Did you close your books?  If you did that's totally fine, I'll come back tomorrow!"  I get it.  I want to go home at the end of the day too.

Now don't get me started on the bullshit traffic I had to deal with on the way home.
Or the fact that I cannot gain weight and I'm frustrated because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.
I just don't want to work anymore... because I'm done.
I love my job, my clients and my boss...  but days like today are so...  each one brings me one step closer to walking off the job...

the overwhelming reality of my hobbies

It's more than the number of things I have sitting around half done, undone, barely started...  It's the sheer magnitude of some of these tasks.  Part of my current status of ORGANIZING MY FUCKING LIFE has been getting the books I want to read into order.  That has been an interesting endeavor.  I've managed to get the physical books we own that I want to read or re-read into chunks that can be read in 6 months - provided I read approximately 50 pages per day.  I have a year and a half worth of reading in that list alone.  That doesn't include the current list of books I'd like to get read by the end of April - and I'm behind on that, should literally just sit the fuck down and read for the next two days straight...  that also doesn't include the books on the kindles that I want to read or re-read.  I have those listed as well...  and a few of them are the first book in a series that sounded interesting...  So I have to figure all that out and get some sort of schedule thing going on so I can eek my way through that...  and it's fucking agonizing.

Then there's the music thing.
The coloring thing.
The needlepoint thing.
The fucking sewing machine behind the chair.

These are my hobbies, and they're stressing me out.
To top it all off I'm seriously considering taking up knitting.
Cause I don't already have projects I started over a decade ago (in one case over 20 fucking years ago) that still need to be finished.
I move from the hobbies to the things that need to be done around the house and I can spend an hour just telling you about the daily drama - don't get me started on the actual WORK that has to be done... and I'll inevitably move from the house to the yard... the wasteland of weeds and half dead fruit trees...

If I could just quit my job and be a full time housewife I'd lose my sanity at the same rate but more shit would get done.

sometimes you gotta ramble yourself back to normal

This morning I had a monster anxiety attack...  not quite a full blown panic attack.  Between trying to enjoy my cup of coffee and catch up with friends on social media I had this sick little boy who was trying to make himself vomit despite having nothing in his stomach except ginger ale.  Then my mom starts texting me and I feel like I'm being interrogated about my son's health...  as though he's never been sick before.  We'd already established that due to the weather we were not going to be getting together today and the boy didn't start feeling sick until late morning yesterday...  so now there's all this unsolicited advice from my mother... again-as though he's never been sick.  I fought for 5 years to get them to take his damn tonsils out...  I think I know when a low grade fever and stomach pain requires a trip to the doctor.

I also seem to remember feeling exactly the same way myself a couple of weeks ago... and the spousal unit took a couple of days off right before the holiday...  a few people here on new year's eve and gods know what was floating around that night not to mention that he's been in day care for three days.

At the same time I'm talking down a friend who is freaking out because she can't make sense of the school schedule and needed confirmation that the kids do indeed have tomorrow off... despite having the last two weeks off.  MLK baby.

I've got the boy himself in and out of the room wanting to get a loot crate type thing with his allowance (no problem, dad and I get one and you wanna pay for it yourself?  I'm game, those things are fun as fuck.)

My brain almost exploded.
So I left.
I went out in the rain, the nasty rain that promises to not stop and cause record flooding we haven't seen in a decade.
I bought my medicine, came home, got my second cup of coffee and have proceeded to type myself to semi-normality.

The plans for the day are neatly listed.
I have a "list system" that helps me prioritize, keep track and get things done.
It's a bit complicated to explain, but the execution is quite simple.
Sorta like a bullet journal.
There are 9 things on the list today of varying degrees of difficulty.
I am optimistic...

sometimes i'm just fucking irate

I feel such incredible rage at my husband that he can never fathom.  I've tried to explain it to him, many times and in many ways.  A few of our friends have even talked to him about it...  without any influence from me.  In fact, I heard about these conversations after the fact, from my husband, followed by dozens of empty promises.  I know this rage is nothing strange or new or even remarkable.  In fact, it's felt by significant others across the country and there are memes, articles, and even stupid videos about magic coffee tables all mocking it.

The simple phenomenon known as lazy husband syndrome.
It affects women as well.  I recognize this.  But let's be honest...  most sufferers are heterosexual men.

By the time he gets out of bed...  I'm already at work.
By the time I get home from work...  he's already been home for at least 30 minutes.

He has a few responsibilities... mainly - heat up the dinner I already pre-made and follow the instructions fit for a five year old that I've left boldly written upon the kitchen cabinet in bright orange.

By the time I get home I've been gone for over 10 hours.
I have anxiety that spikes when I drive or when I'm away from home for more than a couple of hours.
But I walk in the door and it's immediate chatter while I run around and do all the chores.
I make the bed.
Sweep the floors and re-fresh the cat's water bowls.
I scoop the cat boxes, take out the trash, empty the recycling and, if necessary, start the laundry.
I put away anything I picked up at lunch or on my way home.
Take care of the notes and other reminders that have manifested themselves as scraps of paper in my pockets.
Go over my calendar and to-do list for that day and the next.
Possibly eat my dinner.
Get the kid situated and into bed at the appropriate time.
Then I can probably relax but I might have another fifteen or twenty minutes worth of shit to take care of.

What has the spousal unit been doing this whole time?
Playing a video game or watching a ball game.
Currently it's basketball.
I don't like basketball...  but I get constant updates on how the game is going while I'm doing my chores and any request that this constant interruption cease is met with immediate anger because he's just trying to keep me updated on what's going on.
The concept of, "If I cared I'd put effort into watching the game." seems to be lost on him...  but if I cared I'd fucking watch the game and do my chores during the commercials...  like I do April through fucking October.
Enough already.

By the time the babbling is done and the chores are done and I can finally sit down...  there are nights relaxation eludes me.  My concentration is constantly broken and I'm forced to pause my show every five to ten minutes while I'm reminded of something, asked something, an anecdote is shared...  and then there's the wonder...  "Why am I so irritated?"

I'm fucking irritated because you've been sitting on your ass all evening while I busted mine after an 8 or 9 hour shift and an 45 minutes in hellish traffic.  The chatting during the chores wasn't enough and the moment I sit down, snuggle up and get comfy you're in here bugging the shit out of me...  and the worst part is?  It's either super important shit that should have been brought up earlier (before I got high as a kite) or it's stupid ass shit that is being shared so the speaker can hear the sound of his own voice.

I'm fucking so irritated right now and I just remembered that I have to catch up on my shows on Hulu...  I wonder how many new episodes there are...

too busy to figure out how i manage to do it all

For some reason yesterday's post was saved instead of published.  Go figure.  Not that it matters.

I feel this deep sense of accomplishment today.  I got everything done except for the balancing of the checkbook - which is currently sitting next to me along with the pile of receipts and a few purchases that still need to be taken care of.

But here's the problem.

I forgot tissue, and I bought two birthday cards but when I brought them home the puppy on one of them wasn't as cute as I'd initially thought...  he looks...  deformed somehow...  off a bit.  I'll save it, perhaps as my vision deteriorates further I'll find him cute again.  Thankfully the other birthday card is acceptable and other than being less than thrilled at only finding 2 packs of plain black Sharpies and the rather blah color palette of the assorted binder clips I'm glad to have that errand finished.

I've found the 6 star Dragonball.  I only need 4 more until I can summon the dragon and have my wish granted.

My husband thinks I'm insane because my best friend and I write each other letters.
She's not on the internet.
I can't talk on the phone.  Anxiety.  Blarg.
So we write to each other with different colored pens and we have fun.
I need to make her a CD.

The further frustrating thing about today is that the grocery store didn't have two items I needed so I have to go to a different one tomorrow...  I suppose that gives me an opportunity to find a better birthday card for my cousin as well...  I'll find the positive.

But I get home, get the chores done, eat dinner and settle down in my office to do my thing and perhaps get some coloring done...  when I start finding all the notes I left myself over the course of the day.

I'm a god damned mess.
How the hell do I function?too

the magnitude of it makes priorities seem silly

I have this insane desire to make sure that something is different, something is put away, finished, changed, completed, made right-correct-the way it's supposed to be...  every single day.

But the first step is figuring out where to start and to be honest with you the kitchen is out of fucking control and it's the heart of the damn house...  so that's where we're going to start.  I picked up a couple of things I needed, and was looking for, while I was out and about today...  and now it has become achingly obvious that I need to figure out what color I want to paint the kitchen...  color match the existing paint, pick a backsplash, hit YouTube for refreshers on taping and mudding, and get my ass in gear...  but first.  I have to pick a paint color.  My husband says every blue I bring home is too dark so it's back to the damn hardware store for more chips...  I don't want it dark, but I don't want it so light you can't tell if it's blue.  It's not like it's the whole kitchen either.

I've managed to be rather productive today, and satisfy my itch of changing something every day but the solution of putting a shelf into the halfbath only made it more painfully obvious than before that the storage solution for that room is quite simply to get the fucking vacuum cleaner out of there.  Of course...  the place I want to put the vacuum is currently full of a whole bunch of other shit that needs to get dealt with... and in order to truly get the space set up the way I need it... I have to actually gut the closet and find or build a closet system to suit my needs.

It's all just a mess.  So I'm focusing on one thing at a time and taking a lot of notes.  Right now the biggest deal is to quite seriously finish coloring the picture I've been working on since baseball season started back in April.

sophomore efforts rarely pay off

I don't watch a lot of videos online...  it's a combination of loading time and ads...  it's also usually information that could be relayed via words and pictures...  and those don't require a commercial...
But honestly, the morning time kill of social media has become a drag.  I like to spend time every morning at my desk; drink a cup of coffee, smoke a bowl and catch up with my friends and family...  but I find myself watching those damn food videos or getting sucked into stupid click bait bullshit about vintage photos, funny dogs, stupid mom texts...  then I walk away feeling I've wasted my time.  The way one person uses social media is going to be different than the expectations of their followers.  This is true for almost everyone...  I like the personal bits.  The insights into the daily lives of the people I care about.  The photos of their moments.  This is what I enjoy the most...  a pertinent article, something that touched them, these shares are good-they give me insight into how my friends think and perceive the world which broadens my own view...  but social media so often lets me down I wonder if I need more friends...  or simply more interesting friends.  People who will keep me interested instead of people I skip over so I can watch the video about the fucking polka dot cake.

New Year's Eve was loud and fun but honestly...  people always stay too late.  As soon as that ball drops-I'm done. Go home.  But I was able to sleep in and spend the day doing not much and the Christmas tree is outside on the curb waiting for the guy in his little tractor to come scoop it up.  I will eliminate the rest of Christmas today, and as we completely rearranged the living room to accommodate the tree I will put it all back the way it's supposed to be.  Unfortunately the spousal unit does not return to the office until tomorrow and due to the temperature he will probably work from home in the house today instead of out in his home office...  when he's home my motivation drops.

It's interesting how that happens.  I have gotten better over time, but when I'm home alone-or just with the boy-I have no problem getting gads of things accomplished.  The moment the spousal unit is in the house all motivation goes out the window.  I find myself literally sitting at my desk staring at the pile of immediate projects on the side table.  I can think circles around myself and plan out all sorts of things but I cannot act upon them.

I fucking hate it.
I hate it so much.
I wish I knew what it was that way.
Maybe it's because he's just sitting there doing whatever he wants...  watching what he wants, playing what he wants...  and by doing work around him I get pissed that he's not doing anything...  so it's easier to just do the same thing...  sit on my ass and watch what I want, play what I want...  but then I start to feel bad because so much shit isn't getting done.

...and he wonders why I value my alone time so much.
My alone time is my productive time.