It's funny how chaotic my life has gotten and how stubbornly I'm clinging to routine and normalcy and let me do the things that need to be done... I know that this summer is going to change our lives I'm simply not sure how. As I struggle to be supportive knowing that I can't go visit the family member in hospital and not only because of my personal feelings towards the person but also... also because being there for any length of time and seeing them in that mental state does absolutely nothing good for me. It turns my brain sideways and makes me shiver and shake and I get angry and the anxiety takes over and why am I angry? Because I can't embrace the anxiety and because my anxiety makes people upset with me. Because they don't understand. At least... they don't understand when it's me.
But that is what it is and I can only hope that my repeated explanations and brief moments of letting it happen when can see it... not hiding it so they can deal with it with me... dealing with how upset they get and fighting the urge-the need-to get upset right back at them... how can they be so concerned and supportive while one family member deals with severe anxiety while another has been quietly suffering for 5 years-unable to talk to them about it because of the selfish and disbelieving response?
It's further hard to give a damn when I don't give a damn. I'm more concerned with how the habitual behavior of those involved is impacting me personally. It's selfish of me to be wrapped up in how their selfishness affects me, but it's how I think of them... and it's hard to alter that when they're in crisis because... Because even in the circumstances I find their requirements to be excessive.
My own family has had similar occurrences and I was not required to pause my life as my husband has been required these last few weeks. As he falls behind on things and fights his own issues of insomnia and depression he's not allowed to sink into routine or ever fully relax as his phone never stops and the added pressure of being needed by family overwhelms him in even his quietest moments.
It's hard to care when I don't care. When one of the most toxic people in your life is in need and you are required to care because of their relationship to you and circumstances in your life... yet you've made it abundantly clear that you do not like nor respect the individual... it's as though all those conversations never happened... or as though personal feelings should somehow be altered because of one's health. Just because you are ill does not mean I should suddenly like you. I can be concerned for your well-being because of the impact it has on people I love but to be required to give a damn about you after the way you've treated me over the years? It's a bit much. Never am I defended against your actions and words and I'm told that's just the way you are and to just learn to deal with it... and I'm supposed to fucking care.
I'm just trying to hold on to myself right now.
