Gross

I'm gross. The house is gross.  The cat is gross.
I need to take a shower.
I need to clean the house.
I need to figure out WTF is wrong with my cat and why he is flinging snot all over the damn house leaving my walls, my cupboard, my bathroom sinks, my TV, my couch and whatever else he gets his damn face next to...  including my own face...  covered in thick ropy disgusting - gross - snot.
Antibiotics - Antiviral - Antifungal - none of them worked.
Now it's a barrage of tests that will have to be run to figure out exactly what is going on and what medication to administer.
But that will stress him out and cause the whole snot factory to go into overdrive.
This is when he can barely breathe and we have to clean the snot off his face.  Including picking hardened boogers off his nose to clear the nasal passage.  As you can imagine this is not fun for anyone involved.
I'm so tired of it.  It has been going on for almost a year.  He's finally been off meds long enough for us be able to run labwork - having exhausted all the noninvasive options. 
He himself is filthy because he can't groom himself and also needs to be given a damn shower.
But it hasn't been hot enough but that one day last week when I was too busy and quite honestly forgot it needed to be done.
Another cat harasses him constantly and this has left the old snot cat in a place where he feels unsafe using the cat boxes.  They have a single entrance and he is trapped.  So he pisses and shits in the bathtub, the bathroom sink, on the floor in front of the back door, on the floor next to the bed, and yesterday he took a dump on the TV stand.
I'm so tired of the random shits.
I get so mad at him screaming at me for food from less than a foot away, while I'm brushing my teeth and he's staring at a full bowl of food...  that I'm second guessing my decision to give him special treatment and force him to stand up to the other cat.
He's an old, gross pain in the ass who is refusing to grow old gracefully and is instead appearing to spiral into dementia.  It's infuriating.
I'm so tired of everything being gross.
When I have the time to clean I don't want to.
I don't want to do anything.
I know that getting things done makes me feel better but I don't fucking care and I don't care that I don't care and I'm not particularly concerned about that and I'm not concerned that I'm not concerned.
This is more than just depression boys and girls.
Damn.

January 17, 2019

I am astonishingly tired.  Twelve hours passed from when I pulled out of my driveway to when I pulled back into it.
Although the day at work was not busy the slow days are often the more exhausting ones.
We made less than six hundred dollars...  on one appointment.
It's difficult to complain when I spend the bulk of my nine hour shift reading or hanging out with the cat who lives at the clinic...  who I would love to refer to as the "hospital cat" but she's technically a boarder so...  yeah. 
I have been working on pillows and have two complete, stuffed and on the couch... one is sewn just needs to be washed before I stuff it. 
I've had the t-shirts I'm turning into pillows stuck in a box or bag for years...  saving them for just this purpose. 
There's a surprising number of shirts but some of them have deep enough sentimental value to my husband that I'll refrain from turning them into pillows...  yet.  Let him get accustomed to the concept before his treasured Crow shirt that he finally retired about four or five years ago is re-incarnated as a pillow.  He thinks it became rags and is gone forever.  He has no idea I saved it.  There's another in there that used to be his that he thinks is gone forever...  so I'll hold off on cutting those up for the time being.  I'll have more pillows than I'll need so I'll only stuff a few and keep the rest for when the ones that are out need a wash, get given to friends who fall in love with them or just die.
Astonishingly tired.
Came home and was just done.
Like...  screw the dishes and the things I have remaining on my dailies.
I'm fucking beat.
I may sit here and make a bracelet rather than do the fine work required to hand sew a pillow. 
Too tired...
But I really want to finish season two of Daredevil and I'm so close...  so close... 

January 15, 2019

Today is the day to clean the house for the first time since before Christmas.
I mean, I've kept up with things and cleaned a room or whatnot here and there but... 
Today I'm going to actually clean the house.
Of course the spousal unit is having car issues and left his vehicle at the shop yesterday...  he was home all day and honestly his presence - even when he works in the garage - is enough to throw me off my groove.
But hopefully I'll be able to just do what I need to do today without too much issue with my groove.
The spousal unit's best friend is in town from out of state and will  be for the week.  Tonight we're all going out to dinner and then there will probably be gaming or clubbing or something happening so I anticipate some time to watch my shows and work on my pillows.
Working on pillows is actually quite soothing and there is a lot to be said for getting the bag of sewing projects empty enough to tie closed.
not there yet...  but hopefully soon...  Of course, it will be even nicer when the four bags become one...  and best of the best when the four become none.
But that takes time and while this week's focus has been on pillows next week I plan to take the time to finish the embroidery project I started in 2006.
But today.
Today I am going to clean my house.

January 10, 2019

I feel like I should have more stuff to do.  As though there is no way I could be done with everything. It's five after eleven and I've been up since a quarter after five...  I worked for over nine hours and I'm pretty tired.  The only things left on my to-do list are to brush the cats.
I hate brushing the cats.
I can't hang the curtains because the boy is in bed and I can't make noise.
It's too late to soak in the tub and finally use the bath bomb I've had for almost a year.
I need to be sober to deal with gathering up and photocopying all the papers I need for the passport applications and that's best done Sunday when the spousal unit and I are both home so I can make him get what I need but have been waiting for for the last month and a half...
So I'm literally down to brushing the cats and I am procrastinating hard.
I could sit down with the boy's chore list and re-vamp it but that's a good half hour or forty-five minutes of work that I'd rather not do right now...

Six new C.D.'s today.  Some new to me and some stuff I had back in the day...  such as Cyndi Lauper.  Yes.  This is fabulous. 
The spousal unit has no idea about five of them.  Christmas money.  I spent $80 and put put $100 on the credit card.  Fairness.  Now I'm down to the cash in my purse and I'm hoarding that.  Waiting for the right time to run the errands to take care of the lists attached to that wad of cash.  I can't be in a hurry about any of it.  Eventually I plan to have a bunch of shit in my trunk that I bought... bringing in one or two things every couple of weeks and acting like I bought it at my most recent trip to Target or not mention it...  like the apple corer.  By the time he notices that I bought a new one I'll be able to convincingly forget when I bought it.
I've spent a lot of money, he knows it, and I'm going to buy a couple of cat trees in the near future.
As for lunch time errands I have to go get my watch battery and a hair cut. 
That's two lunches so next Friday, a week from tomorrow, I can probably take the time to go cat tree shopping.
I have to sit down and lay out the next six weeks soon.
I have this trip down south and I gotta figure my shit out...  and pay my fucking cat sitter from that wad of cash in the purse.  Damnit.

January 8, 2019

I have this blind determination to be super productive without going on and on about my levels of productivity or even showing what I've accomplished that day.  I want my husband to just intuitively understand that things are better when I'm home more.
I'll be honest.  I have that dread of going to work tomorrow even though I know I get to  take a walk downtown and clean the bathroom.
Today I cleaned the top shelf in my closet, re-organized it, left the rest of the closet a mess.  Cast a single candle - leaving the rest of the candle stuff in semi-disarray, and stuck to my schedule.
Every day that I've had off some big change has happened.  Sunday I took down the Christmas decorations, Monday I re-did the cat-boxes and today I re-arranged the living room to it's regular configuration now that the holidays are over.
I have plans and things scheduled.  I have Christmas money still burning a hole in my purse but I'm determined to leave things that I purchase in the trunk of the car, bringing them in one or two items at a time every week or two so my husband doesn't freak out about me spending a lot of money when I'm not working as much and he knows I have a balance on my credit card.
The dread of going to work tomorrow is being tempered by the knowledge that I don't.
Not only do I not have to but when I do go to work I get to spend two days in a slower paced environment and a third to a half of my shift will be down time that I can spend cleaning, working on my loom bracelets and reading.
My to-do list is almost taken care of and if I play my cards right I can go to work on Thursday with a clean slate.
That will be an incredibly good feeling.
Here's hoping tomorrow is as productive as I hope it to be...  and who knows...  I may stay up all night hemming this curtain so I can hang it in the kitchen and get rid of those fucking miniblinds.

January 7, 2019

One more time about how the government shutdown isn't a shutdown please.  I misunderstood.  I thought these people were getting paid and the park services folks were just taking some time off...  etc... etc...
Also.  I'd like another person, over 30, in a mid-west state who has seen enough people of color in the course of their life to cover the first string of a basketball team and hope for no injuries... to tell me how badly we need the wall. 
Then I want someone to tell me how this wall is gonna work.
Then I want someone to tell me how all the other places that 5 billion could go to are somehow less

important than this wall.
When you're done with all that I'll tell you why the wall is useless, a complete and utter waste of money, and then I'll explain to you what a "government shutdown" means...  at this point I'll end on a high note and tell you all the positive and constructive ways the "wall money" can be used to better our society and improve the quality of life of the American people.

When I am done with that and I've removed the gag from your mouth I'll let you rail at me about what an idiot I am.
While you're foaming at the mouth in rage I'll calmly print all the articles and journals that I referred to in my carefully thought out response to your argument.

I'll put together a packet for you and provide for you the contact information of a few personal friends of mine who live, or have lived, in countries other than America so they can chat with you about the pros and cons of each - things they like and dislike about living in a foreign country and what they think would be good for America vs. what America is doing that another country could benefit from adopting.

I will encourage you to put together a similar packet for me providing me with more information to support your argument.  This way we can both take our time sifting through the evidence and come to our own conclusions.  When we are done I propose we speak again and determine how our views have changed.

Alternatively you can post something inflammatory on Facebook.
I can call you out and tell you that I disagree with you, then share evidence with you dictating why I disagree with you.
You can get mad at me.
You can call me an idiot and make a derogatory comment about Obama or Clinton.
I can post one more time the same point I previously made and share more evidence and point out that your comment reflects your unwillingness to read my comment.
You can get mad at me.
You can call me an idiot and make a derogatory comment about Obama or Clinton.
I can come back and tell you I'm done. 
Walk away from it and forget about it. 
Snooze your ass or unfollow you.
Unfriend you if it's a common thing and I'm sick of it.
Then you can tell everyone you won because I walked away.


The fact is.  The lies and inaccuracies keep pouring in and nobody is doing the research they're just grabbing headlines.  I won't discuss so many things because I feel I don't grasp them as well as I should to argue a point. The fact that I'm often called stupid or a sheep or any number of things when I take the time to put together a well thought out argument?  That will make me not want to discus anything.  Do it enough and nobody will talk to you.  Then you think you won?

No you lost.  You lost big.  You lost so big you don't even know it.  People don't like you, they don't talk to you and they certainly don't agree with you.  This is where it gets scary because then you go and find other people who think like you do, who refuse to acknowledge other perspectives, and then you feed off each other and grow and become dangerous.

Yeah it's fucking political.
It's all political right now.
You're either a liberal or a conservative and if you're liberal you're democrat and if you're conservative you're republican and there is no gray area.  You can say you're neither all you want but you either support 45 or you don't and if you do you're a conservative republican period.  PERIOD. End of story.  There is no black and white the world is made up of shades of grey but right now.  Right here.  2019 America there is ONLY black and white and it's fucking frightening.

January 6, 2019

Changing the way I use Facebook is proving challenging but so far so good.  Of course, it's only the 6th of January... 
Two types of post, one text but in a certain format...  and one photo with minimal description.
That's it.  One of those per day for no more than two posts per day.
So far I've made one post per day.
It's making me think more about what I want to say, I'm more likely to come here to write things out - and I'm doing that....  It's also making me pull the camera out a little more, or at least think about it.  So that's good.  If I keep it up hopefully I'll notice a huge shift in -not only my posts- but my way of thinking and dealing with things.
This is one of those steps I'm taking on my own in advance of therapy.
I'm seriously fucked up, and whatever I can do to deal better is great.

I'm unhappy in that I see...  I'm happier and everyone around me is happier when I pretend like everything is great.
When I behave the way I actually feel - which is scared and angry...  people don't help, they don't take steps to figure out why you're scared and and angry and try to help you be more comfortable...
They get mad at you.
They get mad at you  because you make them feel scared and angry...  or make it more difficult to hide their fear and anger?
Jury is still out on that.
But if we're all scared and angry why do we hide it and then get pissed off at the one person who isn't going to hide it anymore.

Tell me why we extol the virtues of empathy while simultaneously talking about how awesome we are for not giving any fucks.  Behold my field of fucks, for it is barren...  I just.

We are so fucking human.

To get along in the world I have to be inauthentic.
But we're all to be true to ourselves and let our authentic selves shine through...  unless that self possesses traits that the other people in your life don't like...  such as a desire to be alone, an overall dissatisfaction in the state of the world, lacking in the ability to hold one's tongue regarding selfishness and stupidity (which is fucking RAMPANT by the way and if you don't see it I guarantee you're part of the problem so please open your eyes, check yourself and strive every day to be selfless and - if not intelligent at least less stupid).

So the "Whatever" movement of going along to go along and making other people happy is simply the way it has to be because if we're all playing the game we're all happy but inside we're all dieing except for those few people who are allowed for some reason to let their selfishness be their dominant personality trait.

I don't know.  I could go on but I'm high and the ramble will get too strong with this one.
Good topic though.