Welcome busy day at the main clinic. It was nice. I think being there one day a week will be good. I can do the fast paced shit and have a good day and come home in a good mood. Until my phone blows up in Target. Give me time to get home people! I had to run a couple of errands as I'm in the mindset of "Get the things done" and have no desire to fuck around. I have to milk this. I have to take advantage of it while it lasts.
Of course with Cat #7 on my lap right now it's impossible to pay attention to anything outside the realm of what I can reach. Which is the computer... and the joints... but I'm good. So I'm here.
Not sure where I am today overall. Kind of blah. I was so upset over the spousal unit's apparent lack of concern at the way I was feeling when he came home and immediately got on our son's case.
I wish I could say it was new, but it seems that whenever he has a bad day he comes home and is a total dick to us.
I stressed out a little bit about money today.
Then I remembered something I read yesterday, something a friend posted in response to another friend's post regarding her recent over-spending on herself - which she rarely does.
He told her that money usually works itself out.
So I bought the $22 basket.
I have to go to the grocery store tomorrow instead of on Monday - which is my usual day. I'm wondering if the folks at the store are worried about me. I hope I see enough of them tomorrow that they can dispel any rumors that I seriously doubt are circling regarding my whereabouts.
But it makes me feel good to think that someone notices my absence for the sheer absence of my sparkling personality rather than how well I can clean/fix something or what I can do for them to make their life easier.
I hate to say it.
But I'm gonna.
I'm sure a lot of women feel this way and that - is bullshit.
It is nice to feel valued, and I've actually felt that way at work.
I think because I had a big say in the schedule that is seeming to make everyone quite happy.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm fucking hallucinating and it really is the power of positive thinking.
If that's the case I'm still torn on the whole concept of distorting reality and I'll never be anything but skeptical of anyone's motives despite my outer contentment if not outright joy.
So yeah. The cat is off my lap and doing his nightly "Whine While I Shit" so it's about to get stinky in here so I'm going to opt for the lesser of two evils and go do the dishes.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Friday, January 4, 2019
January 4, 2019
I had today off work and the boy had the day off school. We stayed home today, didn't leave the house at all. I popped around and got some stuff done, read, watched my show... he played games, watched videos, played with his cat and overall we both had a very good day just hanging out at home in each other's company. Not interacting, just being together.
My husband no sooner came home than he asked the boy if he'd gone outside today. When he heard "No." he proceeded to give the boy a hard time for it.
Of course, the spouse and the boy were home all day yesterday and the spouse didn't take the boy outside yesterday...
Although he'll say it's not my fault or even my responsibility to get the boy outside he knows damn well that our son has never been the type of kid to go outside and play without friends coming and asking him, or an adult taking him outside and to the park, on a bike ride or on a walk.
So I tried to tell my husband that when he comes home acting like the boy not going outside all day is a bad thing... it makes me feel bad.
But he straight said that wasn't his concern, got super defensive and I had to immediately apologize and backpedal and blow it off like it was nothing claiming that I was having a hard time expressing myself adequately and he wasn't understanding and to please never mind and forget about it I would address it another time if I found a way to articulate myself better.
But I don't think I needed to do that.
I think my husband should have stopped, not gotten defensive and immediately understood that I was trying to approach it positively and tell him how it made me feel.
Instead.... when I have a day off and the boy has a day off I have to throw my plans and my desires out the window and make sure to take him outside for an hour or more for no reason other than to keep the fucking peace.
Never mind how many days my husband has been home with the boy while they've both been on break and how many days they didn't go outside... or how many Saturdays pass without them setting so much as a foot outside... hell, at least I take out the fucking garbage.
I'm so pissed off about it and I can't talk to my husband about it because he'll get defensive. It's not ME, it's THE BOY and how it's like pulling teeth to get him outside.
Outside on the busy street or three blocks away to the park?
Outside in the dirt patch we call a yard?
Outside to go hunt down other kids to play with like they're fucking Pokemon?
It's as though my husband has no concept of how the world works and thinks that our son is capable of going outside and transporting to the suburban neighborhoods we grew up in during the 80's.
But what really upset me today was that my husband didn't see how his behavior was affecting me and making me feel bad. Our son did not go outside. He did not express a desire to go outside. On a few occasions I considered asking him if he'd like to go for a walk or bike ride... but as I did not wish to and desired to do things around the house I did not. I didn't feel bad about that before, I felt quite content with our day... but I do now, and have since my husband came home.
I did not get done everything I had hoped to get done today.
If I had taken an hour out of my day to make my son run around outside I would have gotten even less done.
I'm frustrated with the spouse for other reasons - repeatedly putting the hammer into the toolbox instead of leaving it on the shelf.... telling me I don't have to pay him money every month for the mortgage and then coming around a week later and telling me to let him know what I can afford after I get a handle on my budget now that I'm working five less hours a week. Getting so fucking defensive every time I express an emotion other than happiness or gratitude and causing me to immediately backpedal, apologize and start in with the Shirley Temple routine. Coming home from work to eat and rush off to play Magic and then coming home from that and quickly talking to me while loading Fallout... headphones on before I even leave the room.
Yeah.
My husband no sooner came home than he asked the boy if he'd gone outside today. When he heard "No." he proceeded to give the boy a hard time for it.
Of course, the spouse and the boy were home all day yesterday and the spouse didn't take the boy outside yesterday...
Although he'll say it's not my fault or even my responsibility to get the boy outside he knows damn well that our son has never been the type of kid to go outside and play without friends coming and asking him, or an adult taking him outside and to the park, on a bike ride or on a walk.
So I tried to tell my husband that when he comes home acting like the boy not going outside all day is a bad thing... it makes me feel bad.
But he straight said that wasn't his concern, got super defensive and I had to immediately apologize and backpedal and blow it off like it was nothing claiming that I was having a hard time expressing myself adequately and he wasn't understanding and to please never mind and forget about it I would address it another time if I found a way to articulate myself better.
But I don't think I needed to do that.
I think my husband should have stopped, not gotten defensive and immediately understood that I was trying to approach it positively and tell him how it made me feel.
Instead.... when I have a day off and the boy has a day off I have to throw my plans and my desires out the window and make sure to take him outside for an hour or more for no reason other than to keep the fucking peace.
Never mind how many days my husband has been home with the boy while they've both been on break and how many days they didn't go outside... or how many Saturdays pass without them setting so much as a foot outside... hell, at least I take out the fucking garbage.
I'm so pissed off about it and I can't talk to my husband about it because he'll get defensive. It's not ME, it's THE BOY and how it's like pulling teeth to get him outside.
Outside on the busy street or three blocks away to the park?
Outside in the dirt patch we call a yard?
Outside to go hunt down other kids to play with like they're fucking Pokemon?
It's as though my husband has no concept of how the world works and thinks that our son is capable of going outside and transporting to the suburban neighborhoods we grew up in during the 80's.
But what really upset me today was that my husband didn't see how his behavior was affecting me and making me feel bad. Our son did not go outside. He did not express a desire to go outside. On a few occasions I considered asking him if he'd like to go for a walk or bike ride... but as I did not wish to and desired to do things around the house I did not. I didn't feel bad about that before, I felt quite content with our day... but I do now, and have since my husband came home.
I did not get done everything I had hoped to get done today.
If I had taken an hour out of my day to make my son run around outside I would have gotten even less done.
I'm frustrated with the spouse for other reasons - repeatedly putting the hammer into the toolbox instead of leaving it on the shelf.... telling me I don't have to pay him money every month for the mortgage and then coming around a week later and telling me to let him know what I can afford after I get a handle on my budget now that I'm working five less hours a week. Getting so fucking defensive every time I express an emotion other than happiness or gratitude and causing me to immediately backpedal, apologize and start in with the Shirley Temple routine. Coming home from work to eat and rush off to play Magic and then coming home from that and quickly talking to me while loading Fallout... headphones on before I even leave the room.
Yeah.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
January 3, 2019
This week. The first week of the new year. It's tough to take anything seriously this week especially with the wonky work schedule... So I decided to sleep in a little bit and skip the chores this morning. I have tomorrow off and my goal is to complete the to-do list that I've carried over from December... in addition to giving the house a quick once-over and getting all the laundry done, so I figured that since I have to open and have a long day ahead of me... I'd go ahead and "treat" myself.
Treat myself to a private concert.
So the spouse has insomnia and sleep apnea but doesn't use the Cpap because he has trouble falling asleep and the issue is compounded by wearing the mask so he doesn't snore... because he's not sleeping at all.
So he forgoes the mask and if I get woken up for some reason... cat, alarm, his phone, my bladder... I will frequently not be able to get back to sleep or if I do get back to sleep REM sleep is unattainable. I get particularly pissed off when it's his phone that wakes me up as I am adamantly opposed to sleeping with those things in the same room as my unconscious body... but it's his alarm so... yeah.
So he sleeps and the whole house goes quiet and nobody dares disturb him.
I sleep and nobody shuts up.
He takes a nap and the whole house goes quiet, or we leave, and nobody dares disturb him.
I take a nap and get woken up ten minutes in, can't go back to sleep and when I get up I'm more pissed off and tired than I was when I lay down.
But when I complain about my lack of sleep, early waking, etc... well at least he's getting his sleep!
The double standard that is applied subconsciously to it all... as long as the man is getting what he needs the woman is fine.
Uh.
No.
I've been standing up for myself, pointing out the discrepancies and essentially shouting out to the world that I see exactly what is going on. Nothing else, just that I see it.
Funny how differently people treat you when you make it abundantly clear that you SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
You don't have the threaten, you don't have to ask, you don't have to do anything except make it aware that you are neither blind nor stupid and people suddenly change the way they treat you and it's almost fucking scary.
Whether they are doing it on purpose or not the simple fact that you make them aware that you know what is going on changes the way they treat you and it is really weird.
Open the mouth, make the statements, give the pointed looks, don't let go, shake it like a terrier. Not complaining, not asking for change, nothing but statement of facts.
Then I disappeared from work for a week and when I came back it was like a light bulb had gone off over everyone's heads and lo and behold what a fucking pleasure I've been to work with.
Kind of amazing what people do when you pull your head out of your ego and listen to them.
You have a lot of good ideas but so do other people and sometimes two good ideas make a brilliant one.
Or a terrible mistake.
But we'll talk about that another time.
3, 201
Treat myself to a private concert.
So the spouse has insomnia and sleep apnea but doesn't use the Cpap because he has trouble falling asleep and the issue is compounded by wearing the mask so he doesn't snore... because he's not sleeping at all.
So he forgoes the mask and if I get woken up for some reason... cat, alarm, his phone, my bladder... I will frequently not be able to get back to sleep or if I do get back to sleep REM sleep is unattainable. I get particularly pissed off when it's his phone that wakes me up as I am adamantly opposed to sleeping with those things in the same room as my unconscious body... but it's his alarm so... yeah.
So he sleeps and the whole house goes quiet and nobody dares disturb him.
I sleep and nobody shuts up.
He takes a nap and the whole house goes quiet, or we leave, and nobody dares disturb him.
I take a nap and get woken up ten minutes in, can't go back to sleep and when I get up I'm more pissed off and tired than I was when I lay down.
But when I complain about my lack of sleep, early waking, etc... well at least he's getting his sleep!
The double standard that is applied subconsciously to it all... as long as the man is getting what he needs the woman is fine.
Uh.
No.
I've been standing up for myself, pointing out the discrepancies and essentially shouting out to the world that I see exactly what is going on. Nothing else, just that I see it.
Funny how differently people treat you when you make it abundantly clear that you SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
You don't have the threaten, you don't have to ask, you don't have to do anything except make it aware that you are neither blind nor stupid and people suddenly change the way they treat you and it's almost fucking scary.
Whether they are doing it on purpose or not the simple fact that you make them aware that you know what is going on changes the way they treat you and it is really weird.
Open the mouth, make the statements, give the pointed looks, don't let go, shake it like a terrier. Not complaining, not asking for change, nothing but statement of facts.
Then I disappeared from work for a week and when I came back it was like a light bulb had gone off over everyone's heads and lo and behold what a fucking pleasure I've been to work with.
Kind of amazing what people do when you pull your head out of your ego and listen to them.
You have a lot of good ideas but so do other people and sometimes two good ideas make a brilliant one.
Or a terrible mistake.
But we'll talk about that another time.
3, 201
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
January 2, 2019
The ultimate goal is to find... or more accurately, make, time to sit down and write shit out every morning. The only reason I have time today is that I am working the late shift and the boy is on break. I'm slowly setting back the time I wake up every morning - six days a week for 21 days in a row and then I wake up five minutes earlier. My goal is to have enough time to complete my chores and have 20 minutes to write, before I wake up the boy. I'm optimistic that my current success on waking up earlier coupled with my new work schedule will make this easier... more organic an addition to my day.
Therapeutically speaking it will be good for me because the morning is when so much of my deep thinking occurs.
This week things are rough and out of sorts on a number of levels. My work schedule is a combination of the old and the "she needs a day off" and the boy has no school, the spouse actually has to go into the office today for a bit which is odd because for the last few years he's also had a two week break... but they're moving some of the offices around and "losing" a floor in the building so who knows how much is work and how much is the logistics of figuring out where to put his stuff.
I've managed most of the chores, have gotten the crock pot going with tonight's dinner and have added a few things to my to-do. My goal on Friday - the day off I get this week - is to wipe out that list. I'm trying not to add anything to it, but a few things do need to be put down in writing or they'll get forgotten and the inconvenience will be to others than just myself.
I have $100 burning a hole in my pocket.
I got some Christmas checks and gift cards and have been wisely using those on things for myself and the family/household... but now I have an "extra" $100 and I feel that I need to buy something that's just for me... but I'm not sure what. I've used the gift cards to purchase items I wanted and needed and I am building up a shopping cart of CD's to get with a chunk of Christmas money and I have the work bonus earmarked for "cat stuff" and what's left of that will go towards purchasing one or two cat trees... but I feel like I need to get myself something I want... and also need... but I'm not sure what that is. I want immediate gratification-so I don't want to order anything... but I'm limited in my mobility/ability to go shopping for a few days and I'm slightly terrified that I'll spend it on crap at 7/11 instead of eating whatever food I brought for myself.
I have so many goals over the next few months that I'm incredibly grateful I was able to cut my days down from 4 to 3. I feel bad celebrating with my friends who are struggling on 5-6 days of work and barely able to make ends meet but... we all recognize that our lives are different and don't begrudge each other our moments of joy. We help each other where we can and I have friends who are more concerned with my mental health and general contentment with life than with the fact that I can afford to sit at home and focus on me while they work two jobs just to keep their shitty apartments. I also have friends who are better off than I am who celebrate the things that are unattainable to me... but I share their joy. So it goes full circle.
It's time to focus on work. To leave my personal desires, goals and needs to the side while I go pretend to be overjoyed to be working the late shift with an idiot doctor and an asshole office manager. But hopefully the idiot will be tamed by the other tech who is accustomed to working with him and the asshole will be in "friend mode" and the day will go smoothly. After all, this is the last day the asshole or the idiot will have to work with me for the rest of the month so the least we can all do is be nice to each other and have a decent day.
Therapeutically speaking it will be good for me because the morning is when so much of my deep thinking occurs.
This week things are rough and out of sorts on a number of levels. My work schedule is a combination of the old and the "she needs a day off" and the boy has no school, the spouse actually has to go into the office today for a bit which is odd because for the last few years he's also had a two week break... but they're moving some of the offices around and "losing" a floor in the building so who knows how much is work and how much is the logistics of figuring out where to put his stuff.
I've managed most of the chores, have gotten the crock pot going with tonight's dinner and have added a few things to my to-do. My goal on Friday - the day off I get this week - is to wipe out that list. I'm trying not to add anything to it, but a few things do need to be put down in writing or they'll get forgotten and the inconvenience will be to others than just myself.
I have $100 burning a hole in my pocket.
I got some Christmas checks and gift cards and have been wisely using those on things for myself and the family/household... but now I have an "extra" $100 and I feel that I need to buy something that's just for me... but I'm not sure what. I've used the gift cards to purchase items I wanted and needed and I am building up a shopping cart of CD's to get with a chunk of Christmas money and I have the work bonus earmarked for "cat stuff" and what's left of that will go towards purchasing one or two cat trees... but I feel like I need to get myself something I want... and also need... but I'm not sure what that is. I want immediate gratification-so I don't want to order anything... but I'm limited in my mobility/ability to go shopping for a few days and I'm slightly terrified that I'll spend it on crap at 7/11 instead of eating whatever food I brought for myself.
I have so many goals over the next few months that I'm incredibly grateful I was able to cut my days down from 4 to 3. I feel bad celebrating with my friends who are struggling on 5-6 days of work and barely able to make ends meet but... we all recognize that our lives are different and don't begrudge each other our moments of joy. We help each other where we can and I have friends who are more concerned with my mental health and general contentment with life than with the fact that I can afford to sit at home and focus on me while they work two jobs just to keep their shitty apartments. I also have friends who are better off than I am who celebrate the things that are unattainable to me... but I share their joy. So it goes full circle.
It's time to focus on work. To leave my personal desires, goals and needs to the side while I go pretend to be overjoyed to be working the late shift with an idiot doctor and an asshole office manager. But hopefully the idiot will be tamed by the other tech who is accustomed to working with him and the asshole will be in "friend mode" and the day will go smoothly. After all, this is the last day the asshole or the idiot will have to work with me for the rest of the month so the least we can all do is be nice to each other and have a decent day.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
January 1, 2019
Although I don't make New Year Resolutions I do view a new year as new beginning and a chance to make improvements within my life. Change habits, start new things and stuff like that. I think many of us do.
On that note I don't have particularly high hopes for 2019. I've learned not to. 2016 sucked. 2017 wasn't much better. 2018 was bullshit and here we are... again... facing a new year and hoping for better. Hoping for all the bad to take a back seat for a change. We're only asking for 365 days that are a smattering of good but overall just a general "okay" would be fine.
I'm not sure if this collective desperation for a good year is actually doing any good and perhaps we need to face that facts that the world isn't what we think it is and start taking a look at the bigger picture. The key word here being "perspective" but I'll talk about that another time... and I'm sure I've talked about it before. Just looking at it all differently and taking the time to understand what we don't experience or see can probably help us all to have a better year... and life in general.
But it's incredibly difficult for anyone to take that much effort for even an individual, let alone for most everyone they meet.
Even simplifications such as "remember everyone you meet is fighting a battle just like you" or just having someone remind you that the people you deal with are just that: people. People just like you. Tired, sore backs, shithead kids, asshole in-laws, lazy husbands, exhausted wives, lazy wives and exhausted husbands, workaholics, getting over an illness, grieving a loss, in depression, having a panic attack, worried about money, wondering when they'll get a vacation, missing their mom.
I think that remembering that will help me have better days and collectively those days will produce a better year.
There are a lot of things I need to pursue in order to make my days better, and in making each day a step towards making the next day a better day I can hopefully come to the end of it and 365 days from now say that I had a good year.
For a moment I thought I had to be superstitious and, if this year also turns out to be generally crummy and an overall shitty year I would switch the type of calendar I buy for 2020. But I looked back... and I have had Star Trek Original Series calendars since 2015, and *that* wasn't a bad year overall.
So that's just fine.
Today was a usual New Year's Day.
Slept in, drove my friend's husband insane with our constant chatter keeping them here until one in the afternoon. Shirked my household duties, did evening rounds at the clinic and have had a cat on my lap for most of the last few hours.
I'm not so much ready for 2019 as ready for the holidays to be over so I can pack up the decorations, get the dead tree out of my house and move on with other things.
On that note I don't have particularly high hopes for 2019. I've learned not to. 2016 sucked. 2017 wasn't much better. 2018 was bullshit and here we are... again... facing a new year and hoping for better. Hoping for all the bad to take a back seat for a change. We're only asking for 365 days that are a smattering of good but overall just a general "okay" would be fine.
I'm not sure if this collective desperation for a good year is actually doing any good and perhaps we need to face that facts that the world isn't what we think it is and start taking a look at the bigger picture. The key word here being "perspective" but I'll talk about that another time... and I'm sure I've talked about it before. Just looking at it all differently and taking the time to understand what we don't experience or see can probably help us all to have a better year... and life in general.
But it's incredibly difficult for anyone to take that much effort for even an individual, let alone for most everyone they meet.
Even simplifications such as "remember everyone you meet is fighting a battle just like you" or just having someone remind you that the people you deal with are just that: people. People just like you. Tired, sore backs, shithead kids, asshole in-laws, lazy husbands, exhausted wives, lazy wives and exhausted husbands, workaholics, getting over an illness, grieving a loss, in depression, having a panic attack, worried about money, wondering when they'll get a vacation, missing their mom.
I think that remembering that will help me have better days and collectively those days will produce a better year.
There are a lot of things I need to pursue in order to make my days better, and in making each day a step towards making the next day a better day I can hopefully come to the end of it and 365 days from now say that I had a good year.
For a moment I thought I had to be superstitious and, if this year also turns out to be generally crummy and an overall shitty year I would switch the type of calendar I buy for 2020. But I looked back... and I have had Star Trek Original Series calendars since 2015, and *that* wasn't a bad year overall.
So that's just fine.
Today was a usual New Year's Day.
Slept in, drove my friend's husband insane with our constant chatter keeping them here until one in the afternoon. Shirked my household duties, did evening rounds at the clinic and have had a cat on my lap for most of the last few hours.
I'm not so much ready for 2019 as ready for the holidays to be over so I can pack up the decorations, get the dead tree out of my house and move on with other things.
Monday, December 17, 2018
a mindset
A place. A moment. It's what you know you're bound for and every time you think you're there you realize... you're not.
It's not necessarily a good place to be or even where you want to be but because it's where you're going, and it makes the most sense... logically... you really just can't wait to get there.
It's actually kind of sad.
But Christmas is almost here and I'm underprepared, underwhelmed and not really caring as much as I should but I know I can place the bulk of the blame for that on the extraordinary disappointment that was last Christmas. I'm not sure what I can do if this year proves to be its equal.
However I am looking forward to the week off work and the trip down south that I still have to plan. Pain and life keep getting in the way and why on earth did we buy tickets for a show for tomorrow night? We should have known better.
But things are getting done and falling into place and at least I remembered to write "turkey" on the grocery list so it's likely to actually get done.
I have to think and decide and hopefully come the new year I'll find myself here a little more often as I'm trying to create time in my morning - which is honestly the best time for me to write - but it's a gradual training to get up earlier and it does me no good when I decide to be lazy and not do my chores.
It's not necessarily a good place to be or even where you want to be but because it's where you're going, and it makes the most sense... logically... you really just can't wait to get there.
It's actually kind of sad.
But Christmas is almost here and I'm underprepared, underwhelmed and not really caring as much as I should but I know I can place the bulk of the blame for that on the extraordinary disappointment that was last Christmas. I'm not sure what I can do if this year proves to be its equal.
However I am looking forward to the week off work and the trip down south that I still have to plan. Pain and life keep getting in the way and why on earth did we buy tickets for a show for tomorrow night? We should have known better.
But things are getting done and falling into place and at least I remembered to write "turkey" on the grocery list so it's likely to actually get done.
I have to think and decide and hopefully come the new year I'll find myself here a little more often as I'm trying to create time in my morning - which is honestly the best time for me to write - but it's a gradual training to get up earlier and it does me no good when I decide to be lazy and not do my chores.
Monday, August 6, 2018
summer is almost gone...
It's the moment where giving any fucks about anything at all has become more a liability than anything else. The next two weeks, with the weird work schedule, the social engagements, school starting and the Convention... there is simply no room for much else. The cats get what they need-obviously-but not much else. Downtime is lost in a smokey haze of old school V.C. Andrews and the longing for routine and sameness in my days to come. Although that never lasts more than a week or two... and while September promises to be relatively quiet I can't think of a month where there isn't something... something happening even if it's as innocuous as Valentine's Day. My mind has stuttered and stumbled through this day like a record scratched and warped on a wind-up without a crank.
Another summer has passed without any work done on the house. The drywall patches still need tape and mud, the walls still need to be painted, the art still rests in a box rather than hanging on the empty, dreary walls. Although the tree in the backyard is gone and landscaping can now occur there are matters of time, money and no fucking clue what we really want to do with the space. Then there's the bathroom... and I have no clue how bad the damage truly is but I suspect the sub floor has water damage and the drywall behind the shower is probably also in truly bad shape. I'm almost afraid of what they'll find upon demolition... but we have yet to even discuss what we want to do with the room... we simply know it must be done.
I've neglected people outside my immediate "they live in my house" family and even then only feel guilt when I consider my mother - and then - only because I miss her. Sometimes I believe I have too many friends to keep them all as close as I want them... but sometimes I wish I had more friends.
Above all else I wish I had more time, and of course money, but then... how does that differ from how everyone else feels?
Another summer has passed without any work done on the house. The drywall patches still need tape and mud, the walls still need to be painted, the art still rests in a box rather than hanging on the empty, dreary walls. Although the tree in the backyard is gone and landscaping can now occur there are matters of time, money and no fucking clue what we really want to do with the space. Then there's the bathroom... and I have no clue how bad the damage truly is but I suspect the sub floor has water damage and the drywall behind the shower is probably also in truly bad shape. I'm almost afraid of what they'll find upon demolition... but we have yet to even discuss what we want to do with the room... we simply know it must be done.
I've neglected people outside my immediate "they live in my house" family and even then only feel guilt when I consider my mother - and then - only because I miss her. Sometimes I believe I have too many friends to keep them all as close as I want them... but sometimes I wish I had more friends.
Above all else I wish I had more time, and of course money, but then... how does that differ from how everyone else feels?
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