Got a lot of work done in the yard a couple of days ago. Despite wanting to do more yesterday I decided to spend the day cleaning the house instead... it needed to get done and I figured I'd get back outside today... But there is water coming from the sky. In my defense I checked the weather about four days ago before making plans for my weekend. It was not supposed to rain today when I last checked... but the fact is... I'm going to have to be more diligent in checking the weather on my days off over the next couple of months. Fucked up California "spring" means I could be outside sweating in the sun on Monday and wind up sequestered indoors with a hoody and fluffy blankets on Tuesday.
To be perfectly honest with you this gives me the opportunity to get to work on other things that desperately need to get done. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that I need to accomplish... to the point where I want to cut my hours and have an extra day every week to deal with them. I feel that without that extra day there's no point working on anything... even the things I could easily finish over the course of a couple of baseball games, or a solid afternoon of focusing on them.
I literally have a "craft list" of things that need to get taken care of... projects I began before my son was born that only need a good 8-12 hours of work put into them.... mind you... the spawn is ten. Half done things, things saved with intention... things I've saved for when I get to a certain point in the house I can use them... and yet I've done nothing.
Part of it is not knowing where to start, but I have a lists. But then I think about the first thing and how nice it will be to cross that off the list, but the list is so long it overwhelms me and I just sit down and play Animal Crossing. Or I realize that although this is the perfect time to get to work on something... I'm so far behind on my reading I should just sit and do that for an hour. Or I lay down on the couch and pass out.... or I get lost in Facebook for a few hours... or I get high and get caught up in the daily minutia. Even when all the things that need to be done on the daily to keep this family and our lives rolling forward are finished for the day I don't sit down and focus on something. I don't roll out the poster I've been coloring for 20 years, I don't pick up the needlepoint I've been working on for 2 years, I just play Animal Crossing or go to bed early to avoid it all... When I have a day... like today... where nothing is planned or the plans fall through... and I'm sitting here wasting my time and wanting to talk about how overwhelmed I am and how frustrated and depressed I am and all I'm really doing is wasting time so that when I finally do get up and get the chores done, and get the errands run... I won't have the time to sit down and do anything productive, or actually cross anything off the list...
I'll postpone and postpone and get more and more depressed about it. I'll make myself momentarily content by taking an entire day to break down a room and scrub it from floor to ceiling but then nothing is actually taken care of, completed... it's just moved, re-packaged, added to a different list...
So I spend all this time beating myself up about all this undone shit. Every opportunity I have to do even a small thing to check off a list or get myself closer to being willing to tackle the bigger stuff... and I don't do it. I fuck around. I go have a cigarette, I stare at a wall, I bug the shit out of my family, I kill time...
I know that if I just do the things I'll feel better.
I'll feel better if I do the things.
It's that fucking simple.
But I've even sat down to do the things, had the things arranged and was ready to go and then I just picked up the 3ds and pushed the things to the side, or got distracted by the dirty dishes, or the need to clean out the fridge, or watched a video with the spawn, or whatever and then... there was no more time to do the thing so I put the thing away.
I know I'm not the only person who does this.
I know I'm behind on my reading, but during the baseball game this afternoon I'm determined to work on one of the things... if I focus I might even finish it... which would be amazeballs.
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