Each day is a new beginning.
Every night I think through what I want to accomplish the following day and go to bed with high hopes for the morning.
But so much can be lost by being tired in the morning.
By screaming cats who think they're starving while you void your bladder in a haze.
By a mess that wasn't there when you went to bed.
By a window left wide open all night long.
By construction occurring next door at exactly eight am, as though they're standing there watching the clock, just waiting for the right time to start with the jackhammer, or the power saw, or the nail gun...
Dealing with depression is difficult, to varying degrees, on the best of days.
But these are not the best of days.
These are not good days.
I've blown it. I've seen family. I've spaced visits but after being forced to endure the company of my in-laws twice in three days I had enough and invited my own father over for dinner. I am very much looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I can barely contain myself. I do fear getting him sick - as I'm still going to work and am required to leave the house to buy food I am a risk to him and he does live with my grandmother. But it's a risk we're all willing to take - as we all take the precautions we know we must.
My mother had surgery so I spent four days with her and saw a few other family members. Three weeks have passed and none of us have fallen ill so enough is enough. Father's Day has passed and I haven't seen my dad for more than twenty minutes since Christmas.
It's fucking June.
Depression coupled with the lack of alone time... no solitude save the few moments on the porch with a cigarette or the drive to and from work, to and from the store... never enough, never what I actually need.
I need my son to go to school and my husband to go to work. I need a day. I need a week. I need time. It's hard to do anything when he is working all day in the kitchen. The hub, the heart of the house... and the inability to do much in an effort to keep the noise down so the job can be done, so the money can be made, so the bills can be paid... so I sit here... and I watch shows... and I play games... and I grow bored and the depression clings and gets heavier and then I don't know what to do because I need to do something and there's so much to do the weight of it just makes it all worse but I can't start because I can't get in the kitchen or I can't make noise or the minute I start... someone is in my way, or needs me, or needs the space I'm working in and I'm slowly going insane.
I can't clean the house without someone walking on a floor I just mopped.
Even with doorways blocked and the knowledge that the floor needs to dry the idiots just walk across them and then apologize after traveling the entire length of the room.
...at least we got an air conditioner so no more wanting to die for half the summer while we slowly bake to death inside our own house.
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Sunday, June 23, 2019
June 23, 2019
Yesterday I came home from work and nothing had been done. There were more dirty dishes in the sink then there had been when I'd left that morning and nobody had even bothered to pick up the empty cat food bowls.
At least the laundry basket was empty, so my son folded and put away his clothes...
But my husband proudly announced from his spot in the living room, "I haven't done anything today." Little did I know that at that point he'd only been awake for about 5 hours.
I put my things away and then sat on my bedroom floor with my phone and a joint in an attempt to relax after a long day.
There was nowhere comfortable I could sit because of where the boys were... one enthroned in the living room and the other taking over the front room completely with his dancing around and playing Paper Mario.
This twelve year old can not keep still. Ever.
So despite the fact that my back was hurting more than normal I found some peace on the bedroom floor before getting up and cleaning the kitchen so I could cook dinner. So I could eat dinner and put the leftovers away (I only got help there because I told the boy to put the fucking ham away) and at least they brought me an ice cream cone (it was a pastry, not a cone, and it was absolutely fucking delicious but half the ice cream was the fudge and peanut butter that was supposed to be mixed throughout so that was an interesting experience) and then I passed out on the couch until a quarter after one in the morning.
I woke up to a filthy house.
My in-laws (who I loathe with an intensity that burns my very soul) are coming over to "have dinner in Japantown" and I can't help but wonder... isn't Sunday the day that the restaurant my mother-in-law just adores and has been going to "since 19fiftysomething" that "hasn't changed a bit!" is closed?
I also have to wonder what time they're coming over and how much I will have to deal with them.
I have to work tomorrow, the laundry basket is overflowing, the kitchen sink is filled with filth, the garbage cans all need to be emptied and the bins taken out, I need to get the grocery list put together, start the boy packing for summer camp, take care of the cat boxes, bring the bins to the curb and drive out to work to do rounds.
I do not want to even hear their fucking voices or see them in passing.
It's my last day "off" until the day the boy goes to camp and I'd like to enjoy it with him and not have to deal with that woman.
Oh such is life.
But seriously.
The man was so proud of doing nothing that I almost punched him.
At least the laundry basket was empty, so my son folded and put away his clothes...
But my husband proudly announced from his spot in the living room, "I haven't done anything today." Little did I know that at that point he'd only been awake for about 5 hours.
I put my things away and then sat on my bedroom floor with my phone and a joint in an attempt to relax after a long day.
There was nowhere comfortable I could sit because of where the boys were... one enthroned in the living room and the other taking over the front room completely with his dancing around and playing Paper Mario.
This twelve year old can not keep still. Ever.
So despite the fact that my back was hurting more than normal I found some peace on the bedroom floor before getting up and cleaning the kitchen so I could cook dinner. So I could eat dinner and put the leftovers away (I only got help there because I told the boy to put the fucking ham away) and at least they brought me an ice cream cone (it was a pastry, not a cone, and it was absolutely fucking delicious but half the ice cream was the fudge and peanut butter that was supposed to be mixed throughout so that was an interesting experience) and then I passed out on the couch until a quarter after one in the morning.
I woke up to a filthy house.
My in-laws (who I loathe with an intensity that burns my very soul) are coming over to "have dinner in Japantown" and I can't help but wonder... isn't Sunday the day that the restaurant my mother-in-law just adores and has been going to "since 19fiftysomething" that "hasn't changed a bit!" is closed?
I also have to wonder what time they're coming over and how much I will have to deal with them.
I have to work tomorrow, the laundry basket is overflowing, the kitchen sink is filled with filth, the garbage cans all need to be emptied and the bins taken out, I need to get the grocery list put together, start the boy packing for summer camp, take care of the cat boxes, bring the bins to the curb and drive out to work to do rounds.
I do not want to even hear their fucking voices or see them in passing.
It's my last day "off" until the day the boy goes to camp and I'd like to enjoy it with him and not have to deal with that woman.
Oh such is life.
But seriously.
The man was so proud of doing nothing that I almost punched him.
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Gross
I'm gross. The house is gross. The cat is gross.
I need to take a shower.
I need to clean the house.
I need to figure out WTF is wrong with my cat and why he is flinging snot all over the damn house leaving my walls, my cupboard, my bathroom sinks, my TV, my couch and whatever else he gets his damn face next to... including my own face... covered in thick ropy disgusting - gross - snot.
Antibiotics - Antiviral - Antifungal - none of them worked.
Now it's a barrage of tests that will have to be run to figure out exactly what is going on and what medication to administer.
But that will stress him out and cause the whole snot factory to go into overdrive.
This is when he can barely breathe and we have to clean the snot off his face. Including picking hardened boogers off his nose to clear the nasal passage. As you can imagine this is not fun for anyone involved.
I'm so tired of it. It has been going on for almost a year. He's finally been off meds long enough for us be able to run labwork - having exhausted all the noninvasive options.
He himself is filthy because he can't groom himself and also needs to be given a damn shower.
But it hasn't been hot enough but that one day last week when I was too busy and quite honestly forgot it needed to be done.
Another cat harasses him constantly and this has left the old snot cat in a place where he feels unsafe using the cat boxes. They have a single entrance and he is trapped. So he pisses and shits in the bathtub, the bathroom sink, on the floor in front of the back door, on the floor next to the bed, and yesterday he took a dump on the TV stand.
I'm so tired of the random shits.
I get so mad at him screaming at me for food from less than a foot away, while I'm brushing my teeth and he's staring at a full bowl of food... that I'm second guessing my decision to give him special treatment and force him to stand up to the other cat.
He's an old, gross pain in the ass who is refusing to grow old gracefully and is instead appearing to spiral into dementia. It's infuriating.
I'm so tired of everything being gross.
When I have the time to clean I don't want to.
I don't want to do anything.
I know that getting things done makes me feel better but I don't fucking care and I don't care that I don't care and I'm not particularly concerned about that and I'm not concerned that I'm not concerned.
This is more than just depression boys and girls.
Damn.
I need to take a shower.
I need to clean the house.
I need to figure out WTF is wrong with my cat and why he is flinging snot all over the damn house leaving my walls, my cupboard, my bathroom sinks, my TV, my couch and whatever else he gets his damn face next to... including my own face... covered in thick ropy disgusting - gross - snot.
Antibiotics - Antiviral - Antifungal - none of them worked.
Now it's a barrage of tests that will have to be run to figure out exactly what is going on and what medication to administer.
But that will stress him out and cause the whole snot factory to go into overdrive.
This is when he can barely breathe and we have to clean the snot off his face. Including picking hardened boogers off his nose to clear the nasal passage. As you can imagine this is not fun for anyone involved.
I'm so tired of it. It has been going on for almost a year. He's finally been off meds long enough for us be able to run labwork - having exhausted all the noninvasive options.
He himself is filthy because he can't groom himself and also needs to be given a damn shower.
But it hasn't been hot enough but that one day last week when I was too busy and quite honestly forgot it needed to be done.
Another cat harasses him constantly and this has left the old snot cat in a place where he feels unsafe using the cat boxes. They have a single entrance and he is trapped. So he pisses and shits in the bathtub, the bathroom sink, on the floor in front of the back door, on the floor next to the bed, and yesterday he took a dump on the TV stand.
I'm so tired of the random shits.
I get so mad at him screaming at me for food from less than a foot away, while I'm brushing my teeth and he's staring at a full bowl of food... that I'm second guessing my decision to give him special treatment and force him to stand up to the other cat.
He's an old, gross pain in the ass who is refusing to grow old gracefully and is instead appearing to spiral into dementia. It's infuriating.
I'm so tired of everything being gross.
When I have the time to clean I don't want to.
I don't want to do anything.
I know that getting things done makes me feel better but I don't fucking care and I don't care that I don't care and I'm not particularly concerned about that and I'm not concerned that I'm not concerned.
This is more than just depression boys and girls.
Damn.
Thursday, January 17, 2019
January 17, 2019
I am astonishingly tired. Twelve hours passed from when I pulled out of my driveway to when I pulled back into it.
Although the day at work was not busy the slow days are often the more exhausting ones.
We made less than six hundred dollars... on one appointment.
It's difficult to complain when I spend the bulk of my nine hour shift reading or hanging out with the cat who lives at the clinic... who I would love to refer to as the "hospital cat" but she's technically a boarder so... yeah.
I have been working on pillows and have two complete, stuffed and on the couch... one is sewn just needs to be washed before I stuff it.
I've had the t-shirts I'm turning into pillows stuck in a box or bag for years... saving them for just this purpose.
There's a surprising number of shirts but some of them have deep enough sentimental value to my husband that I'll refrain from turning them into pillows... yet. Let him get accustomed to the concept before his treasured Crow shirt that he finally retired about four or five years ago is re-incarnated as a pillow. He thinks it became rags and is gone forever. He has no idea I saved it. There's another in there that used to be his that he thinks is gone forever... so I'll hold off on cutting those up for the time being. I'll have more pillows than I'll need so I'll only stuff a few and keep the rest for when the ones that are out need a wash, get given to friends who fall in love with them or just die.
Astonishingly tired.
Came home and was just done.
Like... screw the dishes and the things I have remaining on my dailies.
I'm fucking beat.
I may sit here and make a bracelet rather than do the fine work required to hand sew a pillow.
Too tired...
But I really want to finish season two of Daredevil and I'm so close... so close...
Although the day at work was not busy the slow days are often the more exhausting ones.
We made less than six hundred dollars... on one appointment.
It's difficult to complain when I spend the bulk of my nine hour shift reading or hanging out with the cat who lives at the clinic... who I would love to refer to as the "hospital cat" but she's technically a boarder so... yeah.
I have been working on pillows and have two complete, stuffed and on the couch... one is sewn just needs to be washed before I stuff it.
I've had the t-shirts I'm turning into pillows stuck in a box or bag for years... saving them for just this purpose.
There's a surprising number of shirts but some of them have deep enough sentimental value to my husband that I'll refrain from turning them into pillows... yet. Let him get accustomed to the concept before his treasured Crow shirt that he finally retired about four or five years ago is re-incarnated as a pillow. He thinks it became rags and is gone forever. He has no idea I saved it. There's another in there that used to be his that he thinks is gone forever... so I'll hold off on cutting those up for the time being. I'll have more pillows than I'll need so I'll only stuff a few and keep the rest for when the ones that are out need a wash, get given to friends who fall in love with them or just die.
Astonishingly tired.
Came home and was just done.
Like... screw the dishes and the things I have remaining on my dailies.
I'm fucking beat.
I may sit here and make a bracelet rather than do the fine work required to hand sew a pillow.
Too tired...
But I really want to finish season two of Daredevil and I'm so close... so close...
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
January 15, 2019
Today is the day to clean the house for the first time since before Christmas.
I mean, I've kept up with things and cleaned a room or whatnot here and there but...
Today I'm going to actually clean the house.
Of course the spousal unit is having car issues and left his vehicle at the shop yesterday... he was home all day and honestly his presence - even when he works in the garage - is enough to throw me off my groove.
But hopefully I'll be able to just do what I need to do today without too much issue with my groove.
The spousal unit's best friend is in town from out of state and will be for the week. Tonight we're all going out to dinner and then there will probably be gaming or clubbing or something happening so I anticipate some time to watch my shows and work on my pillows.
Working on pillows is actually quite soothing and there is a lot to be said for getting the bag of sewing projects empty enough to tie closed.
not there yet... but hopefully soon... Of course, it will be even nicer when the four bags become one... and best of the best when the four become none.
But that takes time and while this week's focus has been on pillows next week I plan to take the time to finish the embroidery project I started in 2006.
But today.
Today I am going to clean my house.
I mean, I've kept up with things and cleaned a room or whatnot here and there but...
Today I'm going to actually clean the house.
Of course the spousal unit is having car issues and left his vehicle at the shop yesterday... he was home all day and honestly his presence - even when he works in the garage - is enough to throw me off my groove.
But hopefully I'll be able to just do what I need to do today without too much issue with my groove.
The spousal unit's best friend is in town from out of state and will be for the week. Tonight we're all going out to dinner and then there will probably be gaming or clubbing or something happening so I anticipate some time to watch my shows and work on my pillows.
Working on pillows is actually quite soothing and there is a lot to be said for getting the bag of sewing projects empty enough to tie closed.
not there yet... but hopefully soon... Of course, it will be even nicer when the four bags become one... and best of the best when the four become none.
But that takes time and while this week's focus has been on pillows next week I plan to take the time to finish the embroidery project I started in 2006.
But today.
Today I am going to clean my house.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
January 10, 2019
I feel like I should have more stuff to do. As though there is no way I could be done with everything. It's five after eleven and I've been up since a quarter after five... I worked for over nine hours and I'm pretty tired. The only things left on my to-do list are to brush the cats.
I hate brushing the cats.
I can't hang the curtains because the boy is in bed and I can't make noise.
It's too late to soak in the tub and finally use the bath bomb I've had for almost a year.
I need to be sober to deal with gathering up and photocopying all the papers I need for the passport applications and that's best done Sunday when the spousal unit and I are both home so I can make him get what I need but have been waiting for for the last month and a half...
So I'm literally down to brushing the cats and I am procrastinating hard.
I could sit down with the boy's chore list and re-vamp it but that's a good half hour or forty-five minutes of work that I'd rather not do right now...
Six new C.D.'s today. Some new to me and some stuff I had back in the day... such as Cyndi Lauper. Yes. This is fabulous.
The spousal unit has no idea about five of them. Christmas money. I spent $80 and put put $100 on the credit card. Fairness. Now I'm down to the cash in my purse and I'm hoarding that. Waiting for the right time to run the errands to take care of the lists attached to that wad of cash. I can't be in a hurry about any of it. Eventually I plan to have a bunch of shit in my trunk that I bought... bringing in one or two things every couple of weeks and acting like I bought it at my most recent trip to Target or not mention it... like the apple corer. By the time he notices that I bought a new one I'll be able to convincingly forget when I bought it.
I've spent a lot of money, he knows it, and I'm going to buy a couple of cat trees in the near future.
As for lunch time errands I have to go get my watch battery and a hair cut.
That's two lunches so next Friday, a week from tomorrow, I can probably take the time to go cat tree shopping.
I have to sit down and lay out the next six weeks soon.
I have this trip down south and I gotta figure my shit out... and pay my fucking cat sitter from that wad of cash in the purse. Damnit.
I hate brushing the cats.
I can't hang the curtains because the boy is in bed and I can't make noise.
It's too late to soak in the tub and finally use the bath bomb I've had for almost a year.
I need to be sober to deal with gathering up and photocopying all the papers I need for the passport applications and that's best done Sunday when the spousal unit and I are both home so I can make him get what I need but have been waiting for for the last month and a half...
So I'm literally down to brushing the cats and I am procrastinating hard.
I could sit down with the boy's chore list and re-vamp it but that's a good half hour or forty-five minutes of work that I'd rather not do right now...
Six new C.D.'s today. Some new to me and some stuff I had back in the day... such as Cyndi Lauper. Yes. This is fabulous.
The spousal unit has no idea about five of them. Christmas money. I spent $80 and put put $100 on the credit card. Fairness. Now I'm down to the cash in my purse and I'm hoarding that. Waiting for the right time to run the errands to take care of the lists attached to that wad of cash. I can't be in a hurry about any of it. Eventually I plan to have a bunch of shit in my trunk that I bought... bringing in one or two things every couple of weeks and acting like I bought it at my most recent trip to Target or not mention it... like the apple corer. By the time he notices that I bought a new one I'll be able to convincingly forget when I bought it.
I've spent a lot of money, he knows it, and I'm going to buy a couple of cat trees in the near future.
As for lunch time errands I have to go get my watch battery and a hair cut.
That's two lunches so next Friday, a week from tomorrow, I can probably take the time to go cat tree shopping.
I have to sit down and lay out the next six weeks soon.
I have this trip down south and I gotta figure my shit out... and pay my fucking cat sitter from that wad of cash in the purse. Damnit.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
January 8, 2019
I have this blind determination to be super productive without going on and on about my levels of productivity or even showing what I've accomplished that day. I want my husband to just intuitively understand that things are better when I'm home more.
I'll be honest. I have that dread of going to work tomorrow even though I know I get to take a walk downtown and clean the bathroom.
Today I cleaned the top shelf in my closet, re-organized it, left the rest of the closet a mess. Cast a single candle - leaving the rest of the candle stuff in semi-disarray, and stuck to my schedule.
Every day that I've had off some big change has happened. Sunday I took down the Christmas decorations, Monday I re-did the cat-boxes and today I re-arranged the living room to it's regular configuration now that the holidays are over.
I have plans and things scheduled. I have Christmas money still burning a hole in my purse but I'm determined to leave things that I purchase in the trunk of the car, bringing them in one or two items at a time every week or two so my husband doesn't freak out about me spending a lot of money when I'm not working as much and he knows I have a balance on my credit card.
The dread of going to work tomorrow is being tempered by the knowledge that I don't.
Not only do I not have to but when I do go to work I get to spend two days in a slower paced environment and a third to a half of my shift will be down time that I can spend cleaning, working on my loom bracelets and reading.
My to-do list is almost taken care of and if I play my cards right I can go to work on Thursday with a clean slate.
That will be an incredibly good feeling.
Here's hoping tomorrow is as productive as I hope it to be... and who knows... I may stay up all night hemming this curtain so I can hang it in the kitchen and get rid of those fucking miniblinds.
I'll be honest. I have that dread of going to work tomorrow even though I know I get to take a walk downtown and clean the bathroom.
Today I cleaned the top shelf in my closet, re-organized it, left the rest of the closet a mess. Cast a single candle - leaving the rest of the candle stuff in semi-disarray, and stuck to my schedule.
Every day that I've had off some big change has happened. Sunday I took down the Christmas decorations, Monday I re-did the cat-boxes and today I re-arranged the living room to it's regular configuration now that the holidays are over.
I have plans and things scheduled. I have Christmas money still burning a hole in my purse but I'm determined to leave things that I purchase in the trunk of the car, bringing them in one or two items at a time every week or two so my husband doesn't freak out about me spending a lot of money when I'm not working as much and he knows I have a balance on my credit card.
The dread of going to work tomorrow is being tempered by the knowledge that I don't.
Not only do I not have to but when I do go to work I get to spend two days in a slower paced environment and a third to a half of my shift will be down time that I can spend cleaning, working on my loom bracelets and reading.
My to-do list is almost taken care of and if I play my cards right I can go to work on Thursday with a clean slate.
That will be an incredibly good feeling.
Here's hoping tomorrow is as productive as I hope it to be... and who knows... I may stay up all night hemming this curtain so I can hang it in the kitchen and get rid of those fucking miniblinds.
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