On Sunday the spousal unit took the boy to his monthly LARP. It had been awhile since they'd gone, it's one of the few social things the boy willingly does and I'm glad he had his interest re-sparked when he participated in a huge LARP at the last convention. On Sunday they learned that this week there was a week-long camp. So the boy signed up. Yesterday I had my first real day alone since summer vacation started. I cleaned the house, did most of the laundry and a friend came over for dinner to hang out and spend some time with our oldest cat. Number Three will be crossing the Rainbow Bridge in a few days. His osteoarthritis has resulted in fractures in both hind legs. Degenerative Joint Disease means these bones are simply disintegrating, becoming weaker and weaker. These fractures will never heal, and eventually he will snap a bone instead of simply cracking it. Once I confirmed the second break, with two doctors examining Number Three, I determined that when his food was gone I would schedule his euthanasia. Well, he's almost out of food. It's Tuesday... I'm figuring Sunday or Monday. Number Three is fifteen-years-old. I've had him since he was 5 weeks old... he's been in my life longer than I've known my husband. My heart is breaking, but he's been living in this pain for over two years. I can't run the risk of him truly snapping a limb, not when I can prevent him having to experience that. My heart is breaking.
Today I have a whole list of things to do. Rather reasonable list and something I can easily accomplish within a couple of hours or so. I should really get up and get to work but my motivation has gone off with the boys. I managed a pancake for the Spawn, made sure he had everything he needs for the day and kissed them before waving forlornly as they pulled out of the driveway. As much as I cherish my time alone I get lonely and start to miss the boy. Over the holiday they were both home, we had things going on, the boy spent Tuesday with his grandmother and I didn't see him again until late Wednesday, then had early mornings on Thursday and Friday - was exhausted and barely spent time with him either day - Saturday we hung out a bit but Sunday he was gone all day, yesterday he was gone all day... gone all day today and tomorrow I'm back at work.
It's weird how much I miss him when we're not together. I dread the increase in time apart as he gets older. I wonder if it will hurt less or if I'll just get used to it?
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
I hate the fourth of july
Confession... I hate the Fourth of July.
It's not the holiday itself, or what it stands for... I have no problems with the fact that my country gained their independence from England and consider myself to be patriotic. It's the fact that every single Fourth I get sidelined and forced to do things I don't want to do-and don't consider fun-because it's what my in-laws want to do.
I straight told my husband that I didn't want to do any of it, that I was upset that it had worked out in such a way that I had to do all of it and really wish that my feelings had been taken into consideration. I did my best, had a few moments of fun, was not regretful when it was said and done... but this morning I'm sitting here looking at the week I have ahead of me... and after the last three days of "I'm gonna do the- Never mind..." because no one else seemed to care about what I was doing, what I had to do, or what I had done... so I'm looking at the week I have ahead and the few things that I have planned out or that I desire to do... and I'm wondering how much of it is going to get fucked up in an effort to placate his mother, will get fucked up because he won't look at the calendar, or will get fucked up because nobody cared that I wanted to be included and went off without me.
I'm so tired of feeling ignored and sidelined in my own life... while everyone sits around and calls me selfish because I want to spend my free time alone. When I attempt to talk about it people tell me that it's part of having a family and part of being a parent... but my child does not sideline me, he's often the only one who cares enough to find out what's wrong or to pull me into something and help me have fun. Having a family does not mean bending over backwards to make your mother-in-law happy at the expense of your own sanity.
But it's go crazy trying to satisfy her every whim, or she makes my husband feel horrible because I don't want to do something, tells people that I'm not there because I hate her (not because I'm working, tired after working, or simply don't enjoy the event) and before I know it I'm inches from divorce and have to spend the next two years explaining to people that the time in question I had to work odd hours, or had a health issue that prevented me from attending the events. I've had to do this.
So it's pick your battles... last night I was putting on my shoes, I pulled my pants up over my knees, pulled my sock to my knee, pulled on the shoe and was proceeding to lace it. My mother in law stared at my leg as though there were something horrific about it and asked me what was on my leg. I told her, "My pants, my sock and my shoe." She continued to stare, the look turning to one of horrified disgust, the look on her fact was deeply and incredibly insulting and she continued to ask me what was on my leg... three or four times she asked, "What's on your leg?" and each time I (or my mother) told her, "Nothing - my sock, my shoe, my pants." I got pissed and snapped at her. She got pissed because we weren't answering her question. She wasn't specifying color, location, she wasn't telling us what she was seeing and just kept asking me what was on my leg while staring at it like the flesh was melting from my bones.
My husband got mad at me because I snapped at his mother.
He paid no attention to the entire ordeal until he heard my tone change.
My mother had to jump to my defense while I walked out of the house.
It was fucking ridiculous.
All because my mother in law couldn't specify, "What is the white thing on your leg?" or understand that when I said, "Nothing is on my leg except my sock, my shoe and my pants." that the white thing she saw might be a fucking sock.
This kind of shit happens all the time and I'm always the one at fault and I'm always the one who gets scolded or bitched at for being mean.
FML
It's not the holiday itself, or what it stands for... I have no problems with the fact that my country gained their independence from England and consider myself to be patriotic. It's the fact that every single Fourth I get sidelined and forced to do things I don't want to do-and don't consider fun-because it's what my in-laws want to do.
I straight told my husband that I didn't want to do any of it, that I was upset that it had worked out in such a way that I had to do all of it and really wish that my feelings had been taken into consideration. I did my best, had a few moments of fun, was not regretful when it was said and done... but this morning I'm sitting here looking at the week I have ahead of me... and after the last three days of "I'm gonna do the- Never mind..." because no one else seemed to care about what I was doing, what I had to do, or what I had done... so I'm looking at the week I have ahead and the few things that I have planned out or that I desire to do... and I'm wondering how much of it is going to get fucked up in an effort to placate his mother, will get fucked up because he won't look at the calendar, or will get fucked up because nobody cared that I wanted to be included and went off without me.
I'm so tired of feeling ignored and sidelined in my own life... while everyone sits around and calls me selfish because I want to spend my free time alone. When I attempt to talk about it people tell me that it's part of having a family and part of being a parent... but my child does not sideline me, he's often the only one who cares enough to find out what's wrong or to pull me into something and help me have fun. Having a family does not mean bending over backwards to make your mother-in-law happy at the expense of your own sanity.
But it's go crazy trying to satisfy her every whim, or she makes my husband feel horrible because I don't want to do something, tells people that I'm not there because I hate her (not because I'm working, tired after working, or simply don't enjoy the event) and before I know it I'm inches from divorce and have to spend the next two years explaining to people that the time in question I had to work odd hours, or had a health issue that prevented me from attending the events. I've had to do this.
So it's pick your battles... last night I was putting on my shoes, I pulled my pants up over my knees, pulled my sock to my knee, pulled on the shoe and was proceeding to lace it. My mother in law stared at my leg as though there were something horrific about it and asked me what was on my leg. I told her, "My pants, my sock and my shoe." She continued to stare, the look turning to one of horrified disgust, the look on her fact was deeply and incredibly insulting and she continued to ask me what was on my leg... three or four times she asked, "What's on your leg?" and each time I (or my mother) told her, "Nothing - my sock, my shoe, my pants." I got pissed and snapped at her. She got pissed because we weren't answering her question. She wasn't specifying color, location, she wasn't telling us what she was seeing and just kept asking me what was on my leg while staring at it like the flesh was melting from my bones.
My husband got mad at me because I snapped at his mother.
He paid no attention to the entire ordeal until he heard my tone change.
My mother had to jump to my defense while I walked out of the house.
It was fucking ridiculous.
All because my mother in law couldn't specify, "What is the white thing on your leg?" or understand that when I said, "Nothing is on my leg except my sock, my shoe and my pants." that the white thing she saw might be a fucking sock.
This kind of shit happens all the time and I'm always the one at fault and I'm always the one who gets scolded or bitched at for being mean.
FML
Sunday, July 2, 2017
I hate the fourth of july
I hate the Fourth of July. I said it. I hate it. This Red-blooded American Girl who is 6-7 generations born (depending on which branch of the tree you decide to follow) absolutely loathes Independence Day. It's quite obviously not what it stands for that elicits such a visceral feeling... instead, it's the way I get treated and the bullshit nonsense we have to do as a family and the ego and the snot freezing boredom.
The in-laws never make up their mind until the last minute.
My mother is never included and doesn't make plans or accept invitations because she's waiting to hear from us... but she never contacts, never bugs, never gets insistent because that one year she did it all went really sour... because my in-laws bitched, made up their mind last minute, my mom was stuck with all the work, nobody told her when they were coming over and the whole thing was just a fucking nightmare.
This year I made an effort and was immediately shot down with attitude.
My husband didn't realize there was no child care for the entire week and texted her about taking our son for one of the three days we need help... and she said she would but was incredibly bitchy about it.
Did she contact me? No.
It's still all my fucking fault that the in-laws have AGAIN waited until the last minute.
This is how it is every single year.
So next April I'm going to start planning a Fourth of July BBQ and I'm going to create an Event on Facebook, send out a fucking Evite and just make a big god damned deal about it. I will plan the whole thing myself a good 8-10 weeks in advance so nobody will have any excuse to not go and I won't have to go to some fucking block party where I don't know anybody and attempt small talk for hours with people I have absolutely nothing in common with.
I'm absolutely fuming about the whole thing.
The subtle passive aggressive bullshit from this woman is killing me.
I want to send her a scathing text apologizing to her for my asshole in-laws and finish it up with a simple, "I can't believe I'm apologizing for them, when you'll never acknowledge that you too were at fault when you didn't contact me or ask me about the Fourth anymore than I did you. Instead, I get to shoulder all the fucking blame for something we both did."
It's not like we don't know this is going to happen.
It's not like it's fucking new or anything.
I have to go do whatever they want because I so frequently don't, and also because I haven't done any of the family hang out shit the last couple of weeks because it's all been stuff I don't like to do or has happened when I've been at work.
I'm really not looking forward to Tuesday... or Wednesday morning when I drop the boy off with her for the day...
In fact, I'd like this week to be over already, can it be next weekend already?
Assholes.
Every single one of them.
The in-laws never make up their mind until the last minute.
My mother is never included and doesn't make plans or accept invitations because she's waiting to hear from us... but she never contacts, never bugs, never gets insistent because that one year she did it all went really sour... because my in-laws bitched, made up their mind last minute, my mom was stuck with all the work, nobody told her when they were coming over and the whole thing was just a fucking nightmare.
This year I made an effort and was immediately shot down with attitude.
My husband didn't realize there was no child care for the entire week and texted her about taking our son for one of the three days we need help... and she said she would but was incredibly bitchy about it.
Did she contact me? No.
It's still all my fucking fault that the in-laws have AGAIN waited until the last minute.
This is how it is every single year.
So next April I'm going to start planning a Fourth of July BBQ and I'm going to create an Event on Facebook, send out a fucking Evite and just make a big god damned deal about it. I will plan the whole thing myself a good 8-10 weeks in advance so nobody will have any excuse to not go and I won't have to go to some fucking block party where I don't know anybody and attempt small talk for hours with people I have absolutely nothing in common with.
I'm absolutely fuming about the whole thing.
The subtle passive aggressive bullshit from this woman is killing me.
I want to send her a scathing text apologizing to her for my asshole in-laws and finish it up with a simple, "I can't believe I'm apologizing for them, when you'll never acknowledge that you too were at fault when you didn't contact me or ask me about the Fourth anymore than I did you. Instead, I get to shoulder all the fucking blame for something we both did."
It's not like we don't know this is going to happen.
It's not like it's fucking new or anything.
I have to go do whatever they want because I so frequently don't, and also because I haven't done any of the family hang out shit the last couple of weeks because it's all been stuff I don't like to do or has happened when I've been at work.
I'm really not looking forward to Tuesday... or Wednesday morning when I drop the boy off with her for the day...
In fact, I'd like this week to be over already, can it be next weekend already?
Assholes.
Every single one of them.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
lazy asshole
The inability to pay attention.
The fact that plans are made involving me and I'm not told... or no plans are made and at the last minute it becomes my problem... but control over the last two vacations because the fucking hotel that I reserved in February had no hot water for two nights (like that's my fucking fault) and the last two trips were not without their problems... and those problems were 90% due to things he didn't think of, his not paying attention, his male ego.
He probably shouldn't have married a woman who presents as genderqueer.
A "manly" woman.
A woman whose personality and thought process is so evenly split 50/50 that she's often mistaken for being homosexual, bisexual or transgender.
I was deeply offended when he told a mutual friend that "neither of us have any experience" with "handy-work" despite the things I've done over the years that he's either seen first hand or heard about from myself and others.
He takes it upon himself to jump into projects and gets all gung ho and then wastes half the day sleeping, plays games on his phone another four hours, then frantically runs to the hardware store... He either forgets things while he's there or doesn't make sure that he has all the necessary tools and supplies while making his list and inevitably makes an assumption that we have something when we do not. After a minimum of two trips to the hardware store it's always too late to do the thing so he sits back down with his games and that's the end of it... until he sleeps through half of tomorrow, plays his games another three or four hours, then jumps up like the couch is on fire to get to work on something that he'll spend more time preparing and gathering together the items for than he'll actually spend doing the work itself.
Then I have to be so proud of the manly home-owner who spent two days and 8 hours patching one coffee can sized spot on the wall and reassure him that yes, he did a fine job... but not that it will require re-texturing because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and won't just relax and let me do it.
It's totally possible to patch a wall and match your texture at the same time... Instead he has to go back, sand them all down and before I paint I will have to re-texture... which doesn't save me any time in the process at all. None.
I swear. I'm gonna snap.
The fact that plans are made involving me and I'm not told... or no plans are made and at the last minute it becomes my problem... but control over the last two vacations because the fucking hotel that I reserved in February had no hot water for two nights (like that's my fucking fault) and the last two trips were not without their problems... and those problems were 90% due to things he didn't think of, his not paying attention, his male ego.
He probably shouldn't have married a woman who presents as genderqueer.
A "manly" woman.
A woman whose personality and thought process is so evenly split 50/50 that she's often mistaken for being homosexual, bisexual or transgender.
I was deeply offended when he told a mutual friend that "neither of us have any experience" with "handy-work" despite the things I've done over the years that he's either seen first hand or heard about from myself and others.
He takes it upon himself to jump into projects and gets all gung ho and then wastes half the day sleeping, plays games on his phone another four hours, then frantically runs to the hardware store... He either forgets things while he's there or doesn't make sure that he has all the necessary tools and supplies while making his list and inevitably makes an assumption that we have something when we do not. After a minimum of two trips to the hardware store it's always too late to do the thing so he sits back down with his games and that's the end of it... until he sleeps through half of tomorrow, plays his games another three or four hours, then jumps up like the couch is on fire to get to work on something that he'll spend more time preparing and gathering together the items for than he'll actually spend doing the work itself.
Then I have to be so proud of the manly home-owner who spent two days and 8 hours patching one coffee can sized spot on the wall and reassure him that yes, he did a fine job... but not that it will require re-texturing because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and won't just relax and let me do it.
It's totally possible to patch a wall and match your texture at the same time... Instead he has to go back, sand them all down and before I paint I will have to re-texture... which doesn't save me any time in the process at all. None.
I swear. I'm gonna snap.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
whole day screwed up
I got a new computer mouse so I literally have no excuse for not getting done the things I need to get done on the computer... which is making sure I have backups of everything I need backups of and deleting all the unnecessary shit that has cluttered up on this thing along with frequent disk clean ups which will all culminate in a defrag which will hopefully give this thing a few more months. It's a slow death... and I have no idea how long we'll be on hospice. Summer will be rough.
I also have the flash drives I require in order to accomplish this task to my satisfaction.
So I'm sitting here working on it and doing the whole music thing and I'm going insane because I really wanted to be outside today but the spousal unit has hired the damn gardener to come and remove the weeds from the backyard.
But he bought a weed whacker yesterday because he wanted to do it himself.
I'm so confused.
There's something incredibly sad about deleting pictures off my phone. I've got them backed up, it's cool... it's just... weird.
I'm anticipating a new phone for Mother's Day and if I don't get it I might be a little sad.
I'm really pissed off that everything I wanted to do today got fucked up because of the spousal unit's schedule or inattention.
Admittedly I made plans without making myself aware of his meeting because I didn't check the schedule... but he didn't check with me before hiring the gardener to come today or making plans with a visiting friend for the night. I'm not in a position where I have to half flake on someone, can't do what I wanted to do, and have to be home early to put the kid to bed because it's a school night.
But he'll be out having fun and staying up late, which means he'll sleep in super late, which means that tomorrow I'll probably spend a couple of hours sitting around the house waiting for him to wake the fuck up so I can get on with my day... and I'm loathe to wake him because of his insomnia issues... although I did wake him up this morning so maybe I won't be so shy tomorrow.
Regardless. I'd better get this cat off my lap and get a few more things done. I may be miffed at my inability to do what I wanted to do but it's not keeping me from being productive!
I also have the flash drives I require in order to accomplish this task to my satisfaction.
So I'm sitting here working on it and doing the whole music thing and I'm going insane because I really wanted to be outside today but the spousal unit has hired the damn gardener to come and remove the weeds from the backyard.
But he bought a weed whacker yesterday because he wanted to do it himself.
I'm so confused.
There's something incredibly sad about deleting pictures off my phone. I've got them backed up, it's cool... it's just... weird.
I'm anticipating a new phone for Mother's Day and if I don't get it I might be a little sad.
I'm really pissed off that everything I wanted to do today got fucked up because of the spousal unit's schedule or inattention.
Admittedly I made plans without making myself aware of his meeting because I didn't check the schedule... but he didn't check with me before hiring the gardener to come today or making plans with a visiting friend for the night. I'm not in a position where I have to half flake on someone, can't do what I wanted to do, and have to be home early to put the kid to bed because it's a school night.
But he'll be out having fun and staying up late, which means he'll sleep in super late, which means that tomorrow I'll probably spend a couple of hours sitting around the house waiting for him to wake the fuck up so I can get on with my day... and I'm loathe to wake him because of his insomnia issues... although I did wake him up this morning so maybe I won't be so shy tomorrow.
Regardless. I'd better get this cat off my lap and get a few more things done. I may be miffed at my inability to do what I wanted to do but it's not keeping me from being productive!
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Too many thoughts
I'm literally at a loss for what to do.
I so seriously want to finish watching Stargate SG1 that it's burning my brain. I want to be done with the series. I'm halfway through the penultimate season and I just have to finish it. So I could sit down and do that.
Then there's the epic ongoing neverending music project that I could do in conjunction with removing the photos off my soon to be replaced phone and that's doubly productive and enjoyable.
Then there's the simple fact that I don't know if I've done my reading for the day... I'm literally four pages behind... so I could also read.
I feel that no matter which choice I make I'm making a good choice and I should follow my bliss.
But I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to get through the next 13 days without any liquid income. I literally have no money to spend and still need to buy chicken and a ham. When I run out of cigarettes or weed, that's it. I'm out until I get paid.
I'm going slightly insane with the weird bookeeping that has occurred in my checking account. If I don't balance that shit to the penny at the end of every single day that I make any purchases I get myself fucked up after a month or two. It should be part of my morning routine.
This should be pretty easy to remember as I have to keep an eye out for that check I wrote to the damn school for the field trip... it always takes them forever to deposit checks and it annoys me sooo much... but having to spend virtually nothing for the next two weeks will keep it easy and me honest... of course I'm cat sitting for an epic period of time while I'm broke so I'll get a rush of cash shortly after getting paid... which will be nice. I'll feel flush for a couple of weeks. Then I'll be broke again after the first of the month... and the convention... my sanity is questionable and I'm almost consistently high.
I'm going to go watch Stargate.
I so seriously want to finish watching Stargate SG1 that it's burning my brain. I want to be done with the series. I'm halfway through the penultimate season and I just have to finish it. So I could sit down and do that.
Then there's the epic ongoing neverending music project that I could do in conjunction with removing the photos off my soon to be replaced phone and that's doubly productive and enjoyable.
Then there's the simple fact that I don't know if I've done my reading for the day... I'm literally four pages behind... so I could also read.
I feel that no matter which choice I make I'm making a good choice and I should follow my bliss.
But I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to get through the next 13 days without any liquid income. I literally have no money to spend and still need to buy chicken and a ham. When I run out of cigarettes or weed, that's it. I'm out until I get paid.
I'm going slightly insane with the weird bookeeping that has occurred in my checking account. If I don't balance that shit to the penny at the end of every single day that I make any purchases I get myself fucked up after a month or two. It should be part of my morning routine.
This should be pretty easy to remember as I have to keep an eye out for that check I wrote to the damn school for the field trip... it always takes them forever to deposit checks and it annoys me sooo much... but having to spend virtually nothing for the next two weeks will keep it easy and me honest... of course I'm cat sitting for an epic period of time while I'm broke so I'll get a rush of cash shortly after getting paid... which will be nice. I'll feel flush for a couple of weeks. Then I'll be broke again after the first of the month... and the convention... my sanity is questionable and I'm almost consistently high.
I'm going to go watch Stargate.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
May begins
Sometimes, at the end of the day I'm left completely exhausted and yet wondering what on earth I did all day to warrant being so tired. I've organized photos, lifted them all off the computer and saved them to a flashdrive. I've begun the process of retrieving photos from my phone - a tedious and extremely time consuming task that will also result in further progress being made on my playlists. So it's a win-win, but it's tedious and time consuming. I've eventually got to get these pictures all developed and into photo albums because I'm old school like that. Of course, I have nowhere to put the photo albums until I get the bookshelf from my mom's... this is a conundrum that has me willing to rent a car to get it done.
I've made progress in the yard. I dug a hole and am filling it with rocks... it's right where the rain gutter drains and it made sense to do something there so I don't put a plant there and watch it drown. When all is said and done and things have grown in a bit it'll look just fine. Next step is to finish clearing the area behind the garage and to grab some ice plant bits from the area between the clinic and our neighbor. Hopefully I can get enough of it to take that it fills in and works around the lava rocks, creating something at least mildly attractive in that otherwise dead space.
We have to get a weed whacker and then we have to rent a rototiller.
My husband is going to kill himself with this task... but once that's done I've got a few ideas percolating which include building and installing a gate, putting in a brick lined, raised bed along the back of the house for herbs. I've got chives and rosemary currently... I've also got ideas for the other fence line as a place to put more succulents. But the ones that aren't in ground are in pot and doing all right, I've got some babies cooking and a powerful need for a couple of new varieties... but we'll see what happens over the next few weeks while I clear the area in front that's the next place for planting... I've also got mad plans to get started on painting the kitchen. I've chosen the blue and I've chosen the white so I think it's time to tackle the laundry room...
Dear gods its been hot and I can't take it. Hopefully we're able to get new windows - those will help immensely in the winter. If the bathroom doesn't get really awful we might be able to get an air conditioner next year and put off the bathroom remodel until 2019. Oh that would be so nice... to only have one more stifling summer... but time will tell and we'll see and first things first we've got to take care of the credit card bills and get these fucking vacations and this gods forsaken convention done and over with.
Happy fucking May... I have the extreme pleasure of going to work tomorrow...
I've made progress in the yard. I dug a hole and am filling it with rocks... it's right where the rain gutter drains and it made sense to do something there so I don't put a plant there and watch it drown. When all is said and done and things have grown in a bit it'll look just fine. Next step is to finish clearing the area behind the garage and to grab some ice plant bits from the area between the clinic and our neighbor. Hopefully I can get enough of it to take that it fills in and works around the lava rocks, creating something at least mildly attractive in that otherwise dead space.
We have to get a weed whacker and then we have to rent a rototiller.
My husband is going to kill himself with this task... but once that's done I've got a few ideas percolating which include building and installing a gate, putting in a brick lined, raised bed along the back of the house for herbs. I've got chives and rosemary currently... I've also got ideas for the other fence line as a place to put more succulents. But the ones that aren't in ground are in pot and doing all right, I've got some babies cooking and a powerful need for a couple of new varieties... but we'll see what happens over the next few weeks while I clear the area in front that's the next place for planting... I've also got mad plans to get started on painting the kitchen. I've chosen the blue and I've chosen the white so I think it's time to tackle the laundry room...
Dear gods its been hot and I can't take it. Hopefully we're able to get new windows - those will help immensely in the winter. If the bathroom doesn't get really awful we might be able to get an air conditioner next year and put off the bathroom remodel until 2019. Oh that would be so nice... to only have one more stifling summer... but time will tell and we'll see and first things first we've got to take care of the credit card bills and get these fucking vacations and this gods forsaken convention done and over with.
Happy fucking May... I have the extreme pleasure of going to work tomorrow...
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